FILT

These are 2 editions of FILT magazine I have lying around my room. Filt is an amazing magazine because it's geared lightly toward smokers. Get it? FILTered cigarettes? I think...
If I can be so bold, it's like this magazine has no agenda. It's a free magazine, and the advertisements are from an instant coffee brand and a high class Tokyo restaurant. Like, no cigarette company is sponsoring it. This magazine is like a 35 year old with a nice outfit who doesn't care. I want to be this magazine for a day.

Wooo! Yeah, you rock!

You know what I love?!? Facebook updates about what people are doing tonight. Or at a very precise moment. Just everyday sort of things, you know? I love that. I don't here enough of it and I spend most of my free time wishing I knew more about the insane randomness of people's lives. Man, you guys! You guys are exciting.
And here are my main favourites, plus what they're really trying to say, minus the facebook innuendo:

• "I'm going out tonight!" aka "I need to prove to you all I have a social life, though by doing this I just confirm that going out is such a rare occurrence for me, that I feel I have to mark the occasion with a status update"
  This status update also comes in 'seeing a movie tonight' and 'catching up with x individual/group'. Though the most appealing forms are 'going to Garden city tonight' and 'having dinner at cafe/restaurant'. Riveting.
  Check-it, we all go out.

• "Gonna party!" aka "My sad sad life needs to look appealing. Look at me! Look at me!"
  This status update is reserved for when you really want to distinguish your usual boring plans from something that might sound interesting. You can also add in a destination if you're feeling bold e.g. "Partying it up at the Vic". But be warned, if you mention a club or a bar, everyone knows it's not an actual party. (Why? Because no one will be having sexual relations on someone else's linen. And a club and a party are different because of that.)

• "Dinner, then club, then work, then another party!" aka "My social calender is so packed. Look how popular I am. Look how busy I am. I'm so adult-like, multi-tasking some part time job/study with clubbing and a perfunctory 21st birthday."
  Sometimes people go for the "21st this weekend, then ANOTHER 21st next weekend! Whoo!" status approach. This however, is suicide. Everyone knows you'll have a week to recover, and will wonder why you're such a pussy about it.
  Yeah, isn't it funny how things happen in a sort of linear fashion, one after the other, in correspondence with the passage of time? Just relax. It's natural to do things one after the other. It's natural to have more than 1 social occasion without a gap in between. It's natural to not have plans once a month.

• "So hung over!" aka "Ya'll see? I just did something social. I am a party animal. I DO have a social life. I DO. See?!?"
  This is usually a 2 parter. First you're all like "Sooo going out tonight!" then you quickly hop on facebook the next day (realise no one gives a shit) and then update that status to something along the lines of "Last night was soooo epic. So wasted!" And that's how you make friends.

Why did I make this 2 posts? That shall be revealed to you when you die.
No real reason.

"I am a Black Man, not a Negro. Don't call me Negro." Okay. Stop yelling at me.

"Is he Church or Chapel?" Uhhhm, what the fuck are you on about? Church. He is defs church. But he's probs gay.

"Mrs. Dobson invited us to dinner after church." You can tell Mrs. Dobson to 'shove it.'

Because I take my language studies seriously, I invested in an electronic dictionary. It basically enables me to neglect vocab memorization and instead just hastily look things up ad nauseam. Also it has this nifty 'example sentence' function. Here are a few example sentences (excuse the crappy pictures. I'm a language student, not a photographer. I just wanted proof that I wasn't making this up) ...

"Trinity Church still functions as a house of worship and as a peaceful refuge for haggard businesspeople." Which is fine, I guess. If haggard business people are at church, then they're not bothering me elsewhere with their haggardness.

"You deliberately murdered that vagrant, John! Get going!" Quick, before the police come!

"Some people feel both boys and girls blossom when they study in the company of students of the same sex." Some people are disgusting. Cease and desist with the blossom feeling. What is with this sentence? I'm saying it to my Japanese teacher tomorrow morning. First thing. See if I get arrested.

"Enid said she was disgusted by the sex in the film." And I kind of agreed with Enid. For a porno that won so many awards, you expect a little more. I just didn't feel the acting-out of the sex was all that believable. One could say I am disgusted with it, in fact.

"Paul seems to regard sex as sinful and immoral." Paul needs to calm the fuck down.

The bloggess

"Such is the ego that in these rare instances you wonder, "How could the author have known what I was thinking?" Of course, what has happened isn't this at all, though it's no less astonishing."
- Leah Hager Cohen So, you're a fat fuckhead with glasses and you dig Eastern religion as much as you hate war. I know, dress as a Hawaiian Ganesh and hold a fucking peace sign out like any of us give a shit.

They can repeat any dialogue from any DVD boxset ever released in the history of sitting on the couch and merging disgustingly into the same sweaty delivery pizza sweating, cat litter stinking, 8 years into this and still no kids, crazed relationship of a catastrophe of disappointment.

Finally your fat friend has a girlfriend. Her name's Maggie May and she has a website where she sells vintage lunch boxes that have been hilariously retouched with a modern twist (she made The Fonz look like Bush).

-Vice

I'm sure you know the people who spend like $400 on something that they only use for calls and messaging. "I've also got like, 60 songs on here!"
So... you don't have an ipod?
"Oh, I also use it for Facebook updates!"
Oh. Uhm. Cool.
There's nothing worse than ugly people flaunting their mobile phones around as if they're cool fashion accessories. Especially when these 'tech-savy' people are decked out in the latest apparel from JJ's. ESPECIALLY when these people are wearing sneakers.
Oh GOD, for fuck's sake, instead of spending your money on an iphone why didn't you go for a proper haircut!? Why won't you buy some face wash or something? Why won't you go buy 4 t-shirts from Calvin Klein!? (I'm just saying, if you spend 400 smackaz on a phone, why not spend 100 wing wangs on a t-shirt?)
Instead, you're going to make obvious gestures toward your mobular phone so I'll notice how cool it is, and by proxy, how cool you are, while I try to discern whether you're mentally disabled or some kind of anime fan, based solely on your outfit. OMG, you can take video calls!?! Who really wants to look at you mid conversation though?
Take, for example, this semi-recent exchange between a friend of mine and some Japanese girl.

"Is your phone with Softbank?"
"No!" She (Japanese girl) says, as if affronted. "It's Docomo!"
I'm sorry? What was that, I couldn't hear over your pale vomit coloured floral print get-up. You'd like us all to know that you're with Docomo? The most expensive and arguably stylish of all Japanese mobile phones? Oh, I couldn't really tell, what with that pile of rags on your head trying to pass off as hair.
Howww aboouuut, instead of trying to impress me with your mobular phone, you spend a little more time trying to impress me with your personality appearance?
If you're wearing something that I've seen 10 other people wearing, I don't give a fuck what kind of phone you have. Set a reminder on your Blackberry to go kill yourself later.

A Journey Round My Skull

Brenda: Is it better to be sad that something good is over. Or happy that something terrible is over?

Donna: Uhhhhhhhhhm...

Brenda: Answer me!

Okay, so I'm not studying. So I'll just say... this is getting jucier and jucier. And that it's a secret and I'll never tell anyone. But just so you know, I'm bad at comforting people and giving them sound advice. But I'm really good at pretending to.

"Oh no, now what have you done? You better not have boosted her self-esteem up to an unrealistic level. I can only assume that was what caused the problem in the first place. Unrealistic expectations, and when she falls, she wonders why, and begins to question herself. "If I'm this great, why do I suck this much?" Now she called me, "Just wanted to see how you are?" Eeeerrrr, I'm exactly how I was 12 hours ago when I saw you last. And In a similar state to how I will be in another 12 hours or so when I will inevitably see you again. I think she's really calling so I can ask how SHE is. Or did she call because now she thinks that she can just to talk to anyone about her feelings? Don't be so self confident. I didn't comfort you last night. I didn't bother to see how you were today. And I definitely do not want to make you feel better about yourself. If it's that kind of attention you really want, jump in front of a bus that's veering off the side of a cliff. "
- Sunday 8th November 2009

I'd like you to ponder over this image for a while.
Yeah? You done?
I know what you're thinking; White men over 35 are the most gut-wrenchingly disgusting things to roam this earth. More disgusting than the beautiful (and graceful) giant Japanese salamander (also featured in this image.)
This gentle amphibious giant is all like "Your hands reek of masturbation. You can't get a girlfriend in your own country so you come to Asia, where women find you a novelty. Asia, where women aren't aware that, back in your home country you are an inadequate, sub-standard specimen of genetic fuckkery."

And the salamander's got it right.
Ugly white guys with thin Asian women.
Usually, ugly guys are reserved for the fat girls. But in Asia they have first pick of the slim and/or malnourished.
I mean, not necessarily attractive Asian girls. Sometimes attractive, but most definitely thin.

(Btw, I'm white and male and 14 years shy of 35, so I can say this. And if you think I'm racist, I think you're an ugly white guy who wants to get some Asian poonani. Am I wrong?)

People, can we please stop using the word 'evil' in entirely the wrong context?
Could you do that for me, people, you fucking retard. It's a word I so rarely use. I'd like to be able to keep it there, for use, when something is actually 'evil'.
Because I'm getting pretty sick of hearing "Hahah, yeah, I'm pretty evil, you know?"
Oh, no, I don't know. So you liiiike... kill people? Like, you masacre people then you snuggle your face into their bloody corpses in an erotic manner?
Or "Omg, lol, you're evil."
Oh, am I? Do I tattoo rape victims with images of their rapist's smiling faces? Do you see me doing that?
Look, I'm not raggin' out on a little healthy exaggeration. I'm not. And I'm not here to preserve the English language. I'm not gonna start using words like 'faggot' and 'breakfast' in their literal senses. But 'evil'... to describe someone who says mean things, or plays practical jokes? God, it's an insult to evil people. Like Hannibal Lecter or Will Smith.

Today I stalked through facebook in a most unflattering manner. And I posted everything that made me smile onto this blog. Also unflattering. And if I could bake a cake out of love and sexual fulfillment and unicorns, I would give a slice to each of my friends. And they would politely eat it even though I added WAY too much unicorn. Because they are the bee's knees. And they amuse me with their facebooks and their sms mobile telephone text messages.

Homosexuality in trees and shrubbery could have a devastating effect on the planet in 40, 50 years times. If trees no longer continue to procreate through vaginal intercourse, tree populations could dwindle to numbers so low, the human race may face serious oxygen shortages.
Furthermore, the capacity for a homosexual tree (or shrub) to produce oxygen when compared to hetero vegetation is significantly inferior. This is because, genetically, they are inferior. Islam made Adam and Eve. A dude and a bitch. I'm no longer sure where I wanna take this.

Fuck Yeah 1990s

I found a fungus just lying on the kitchen bench last night. I double-checked to make sure it wasn't growing there from a neglect of kitchen surface cleanliness. But it was definitely a fungus. It was disc-shaped, orange and still attached to a piece of bark.
What the fuck was it doing in the kitchen? I assume the Chinese guy living on my floor will use it in his cooking. Because the Chinese eat like Mexican peasants. Who I assume, eat garbage. No I'm not being racist. I'm kidding. Because I'm always slightly envious when I walk into the kitchen to microwave my instant noodles, and see that they have made this delectable banquet of exotic dishes from the East. Oh, and the Chinese guy who lives on my floor keeps fish in the cupboard. No, I didn't spell 'refrigerator' wrong. It was late at night, and there was a plate of cooked fish sitting there cling-wrapped and unrefrigerated in the cupboard. At least he covered it in plastic. It's definitely his fungus.

This has seriously got to stop. Persecuting trees because of their sexual orientation is just absurd. Just because a tree likes to have sex with other trees of the same gender, doesn't mean we can just go out there and chainsaw the 'faggot' down. Trees have had to deal with enough problems in this country without your homophobic views of the world inciting homophobic deforestation.
I'm friends with 3 or 4 gay trees. And can I just say they are the nicest people. And I've met gay tree couples at parties and they're always so funny. And they never make-out infront of you because, they know that it makes others uncomfortable. They are the most considerate of all trees. This photo just incites deforestation. Take out your anger by beating up some AIDs victim and leave trees alone.

Things that give me anxiety: Figure Skating

Here's the precipice:

• Some graceful, swan-like creature skating over a sheet of ice (cold, hard, slippery)
• Skating on skates (a thin, sharp piece of metal)

So basically: Balancing precariously on a thin sharp metal blade, on a hard and slippery surface.

And then they decide to jump. Graceful, swan like creatures, leaping into the air, and landing on a hard slippery surface, while balancing on a thin, sharp metal blade. Often landing on one foot, I might add. All their weight, compounded by the force of gravity, on one foot, that is resting on a thing blade of metal, that is then balancing on a cold, hard, slippery surface. Can I make that any clearer?
Any minute I'm expecting these graceful, swan-like creatures to break at the ankles, then the knees, for their skate to come unhinged and fling dangerously into their thighs or stab someone in the crowd, then for them to come toppling down onto cold hard ice and crack their faces open.
And then they show them in slow motion. Oh god.

I hate tequila. When I'm out, there is a miniscule part of me, dreading being roped into tequila shots. Somewhere in the back of my mind, it's a constant fear. If we can say, scientifically, that my hate exists on 7 levels, 1 being 'barely hate' and 7 being 'Kings of Leon doing a duet with Miley Cyrus', then tequila would be a 5. And that's just scientifically speaking. I mean, irrationally, I hate tequila so much I'd rather listen to 'Sex on Fire' by Kings of Leon than take a shot of tequila. Because tequila is disgusting. As disgusting as it is yucky.
It's about flavour, really. I don't care for the taste of tequila. Everything else about tequila has it going on. Maybe, maybe I'd enjoy tequila if it's mixed. Like in a girly cocktail. Or with a butt load of lime and a fried egg. Anything to mask the taste really.

Speaking of eggs, I buy the cheap ones. In Australia I made a big deal about eggs. You see, I made my folks buy the free range ones. Because chickens (or whatever animal eggs are coming from these days) are people too.
These days, as an exchange student (and complete hypocrite), I feel I must squeeze every penny. And if that means buying cheap eggs that are most definitely a product of cruelty... well, you know.
Which also meant trying to justify to myself (and now to the internet) that buying cheap eggs is perfectly fine. As with most people who aren't orphans, I found myself unconsciously recalling the words of my parents. When I was young and curious, I asked my mum whether it was really okay to kill animals for food. To which she replied "The farmer gives life to the animals, and the farmer takes that life away."
Which means basically, I think, that parents should be allowed to kill their kids. They giveth life, and they taketh away. The Christian God, the biggest (moiderer of them all) is the main advocate of this law. As such, those opposed to parents killing their children, directly oppose God (Sometimes know as Lord, or Baron Von God King). Which got me thinking about fate in a way. Because, some animals are born to die. Animals which we eat, or which we hunt to extinction, are BORN to DIE.It's fate.Kids with cancer. Exactly the same.
God, the lord, King of the world, has a plan for us all. He gave kids cancer so they could be of use to humanity. I'm thinking fertilizer for the fields. Unfortunately, we can't eat cancerous kids. For 1, we might catch cancer. And 2, eating your own species leads to mad cow disease or something. I saw it on TV where these monkeys were eating each other and they got this disease, went mad and died. Or maybe I heard it in high school biology. Credit where ever credit is due.

And this is how my Halloween was spent

I'm done looking at Halloween photos on facebook. Done!

At first I was too lazy to find and click on the ones featuring girls in slutty costumes. Because that means opening new windows/tabs, or a lot of too-and-fro-ing. I'm not down with that. So I click on 1 photo, and view them all in sequence.
And you know what I've come to realise after looking at ALL your shitty photos (As oppose to the select slutty ones)?
Your life is shit. (And to be honest, if it makes you feel any better, your photos aren't that shitty. Non-blurry, sufficient lighting, etc etc etc.)
God, how were you even popular in high school? And by 'popular' I do of course mean 'incredibly bonable.'
But back to your sequence of not so shitty photos, displaying your oh so shitty life.
What I want to say to you is, your life is over and you're only 20. And you haven't even had kids yet. Just think about how much worse your life is going to get once you pop a few out.
Also, your hot friends, all look really dumb. You know how you can just tell that some people can't spell, just by looking at them? Your friends are these kind of people.
As for your male friends, granted they are enviously muscley. But they are also lacking in the facial department. Get what I'm saying? I believe the scientific term for such people is 'prawn', (eat the body, dispose of the head.)
Ugly, super buff guys who spend a lot of time at the gym, hanging out with hot sluts who can't spell. At Halloween. In costumes. Ahahahaha, and then you went to The Fox. Which is a bar in Brisbane. A Bar in Brisbane! You thought it would be a good idea to spend some quality time together, drinking and taking photos of yourself at The Fox.

I'm in Japan, waking up early to make it to classes at 8.50 am. In the past year I've had more octopus for breakfast than I've had cereal. And I've come to the sickening conclusion that the Japanese people do away with the bodies of their dead pet dogs by dumping them in rivers.
After all this, I still think your life sucks. I still feel sorry for you.

Just to recap, If my life ever drops to the standard of yours, I'm commiting suicide.

How good was Kablam?

Kablam was as good as, if not better than Kablam.

Bob went out of his way to ruin Prometheus' work.