It was rough and tough. And that was just the surface of my poorly shaven genitals. I didn't have the funds for a Brazilian, and even if I had, I still would have shaved my balls with that broken light bulb I had just lying around.
You see, my mother had this joke, "Anyone who's ever said Brazilians are nice people clearly have never had one of their waxes." And I hated my mother. Obviously. That was why I was a prostitute.
- exert from Liam's phenomenal No.1 best seller "My Life as a Prostitute"
Would you rather lick one of serious acne guy's cheeks (his facial cheeks) or tell everyone in the building you are dating suicidal fat cow and that she is marvelous in bed? Right! Right!!
Or sudden death?
Seeing old people sitting and eating alone at restaurants. It's the saddest thing. I want to go up to them, sit down and chat. Let them know they're not really alone. Maybe have a taste of whatever they're eating. But I don't do that. Because old people don't need my pity. And most of them look crazed as hell.
Isn't it generous of me to at least mention old people on my blog?
He's like this illusionary figure that exists soley in pop-culture references and jokes. Like gypsies and Jewish people, apparently they exist/existed, and I know what they are, but I've never met one... to my knowledge. But this just blows all preconceptions. And I ask myself, who the fuck was Kurt Cobain?
Don't answer that. I don't care.
I posted 'fuck your mum' on a friend's facebook. As you do. See that comment? That's from her mum. Her actual mum. But, I mean, the real problem with this, (aside from insults and parents on facebook) the key point in all of this, is that it's "Not likely."
I mean, listen lady, you're a great deal older than me, and you have at least one kid that I know about. Who do you think is really at liberty to reject whom? Wake up to yourself. Jeez.
You'd have asked for seconds. And now that boat has sailed.
If I'm not feeling emotional about the move, I'm feeling lazy. I'm content... and waking up early to catch a plane to Taiwan so I can catch a plane to Australia is ruining this 'content feeling'. It's getting up in it's grill, to be precise.
I'm unsure if I have any particular preference to where I'm living. Obviously not the 3rd world. Or an Islamic country. Or anywhere hot. Or most of Europe. And I can't see myself living in a country with guns. A 'gun country' or whatever. But Australia isn't my first preference... is it? Surely I could do better? Aim for the stars and possibly land amongst the clouds.
"Home is where the heart is." I see reason in this. Logically, that is the case. But what happens when you stretch your heart and scatter it around? Pouring all my heart into one thing, one country, one abstract piece of cheap fucking art... that's when you become a lunatic. Firmness of purpose is a character trait I would much prefer to see in fictional characters... and environmentally conscious millionaires.
Firmness of purpose... that sounds good. I'll take 2.
So yeah. Fuck your mum.
The group shot with oldest lady in the club™.
"Hey guys, let's get a photo with the oldest lady in the club!" Laura suggested.
Check the guy in the background, can't even wait for his turn to take a photo with oldest lady in the club.™
Henry: I'm not completely familiar with French benches. But I'm pretty sure this isn't it.
Here's some shit you ought to know on the topic of Henry: He's hilarious and the captions he gives to his facebook photos will make you laugh 'till you puke. He also wears an Adidas jacket to tennis and his childhood dog was named Billy.
That's not even the beginning. It's just a personal favourite.
me: when you die, what do you want done with your body?
Henry: I dunno. Burned.
me: What will you do with the ashes?
Henry: Scatter it around the house. It will be like I never left.
And in grade 8, possibly 9, you likened yourself to Nelly? And that girl you made out with at the school dance to try and make her ex-boyfriend jealous... she was your Kelly.
Even though you didn't rap, and to this day you still only know the chorus (aka the part Kelly sings).
But the 2 of you were like Nelly and Kelly. Exactly like them.
And then how the next day you caught up with her and her friend. And she was wearing that pink tartan skirt and you were madly in love with her, thinking "She is my boo. This is forev's".
Then 3 weeks later how you were going out with her friend instead?
Pity for her, the ex-boyfriend was heaps more popular than me and so in his eyes, making out with Liam was pretty much her social suicide?
She became a cheerleader and I think he went to juvie.
Liam - 1
grade 8 high school popularity politics - 0
So... Yeah, do you remember all this?
Hi, what can I get you today?
Uhm, I think I'll have 9... no, make that 10 Chun-lis.
Would you like them all striking different poses.
Hmmmm, yeeeah, why not? Only, could you make 2 of them stand on one leg and have their knee raised in front just a little?
We can do that.
And can you have them at either end... sorta "diametrically opposed".
Great. How long will that be?
About 10 minutes.
Apparently this is not computer wizardry, but an art piece. YOU could actually go see this in a gallery. The only problem with that is, it's such a realistic looking piece, I'd be too afraid to go near it. Get too close and it would see you as a threat to its younglings. I can see it in it's eyes. The cold crazy eyes of a mother with young.
Also, I'm under the (hopefully false) belief that mannequins and dolls possess souls and will harm me at any given opportunity.
Seeing as the talented artist/devil sorcerer decided to give this dog-like creature human arms and legs and make it to the scale of an actual human body, I find this just as haunting.
Since becoming aware of this art I have since woken up screaming, having dreamed that it is in bed next to me, spooning me. If I ever go missing, arrest this statue. It is out to get me.
During that time my Facebook status was something about Japanese people being atrocious drivers. This girl comments "LOL so tru". Word for word. It's a quote.
Chekkit, you dumb ho, until you've lived in Japan, no racism for you. Mine is founded. Yours is based on that time you ate sushi.
Since then we've both accomplished a lot: I deleted her. And she sits down at the dinner table to hear her parents bitch about Japanese drivers, when in fact the drivers they are talking about are actually Chinese people (with a higher level of English literacy than they're dumb slut 12 year old daughter... will ever have).Seeing that she recently posted something on the profile of a mutual friend, I thought I'd see what else she's been up to. When not being a dumb ho, she takes photos of herself. And posts them. Sometimes the same one, multiple times.
There are times in my life where friends have said things so profound, it