This shouldn't annoy me nearly as much as it does

Australia Day has never bothered me before. But I've never had Facebook and an Australia Day.
The combination is dick to the fish.
"Looking forward to Auzzie day in Newy w mates and beers after some steak n snags on the BBQ"
This is just dumb fucking dumb. You've really stepped out of your stereotypical Aussie mold here and impressed me with your outrageously fun-sounding planned activities.
misspelled 'Aussie',
left 'Day' without a capital,
abbreviated NSW into a longer douchier word,
typed 'and' then also typed 'n' in place of 'and'.
do, however, get bonus points for going with BBQ instead of 'barbie'.
are a desperate slut.

What is Chester and French. I am going to check to see if they have a Myspace. I hate your bands.


Because I finally saw the doctor about the results from thecompulsory health exam, and she informed me that I was low in bad cholesterol, but also low in good cholesterol, I made this:

It’s a chocolate ice-cream Pepsi spider (float) with strawberry ‘crisps’ and chunks of strawberry chocolate. I took a photo of it because this was how I imagined it would look at 2:30pm lying in my bed and listening to foreign techno music. And that was how it turned out 3 hours later when I made it at 5:30 that very afternoon.
I also microwaved the Pepsi beforehand. Just a little - around 30 seconds on 700watts. It’s Winter and I just wanted it to be a little warm and cuddly.
I told this Tibetan guy (who was in the kitchen at the time) that it was soy sauce. Because to me, the concept of microwaving soy sauce in one of those promotional coca-cola cups they give away at McDonalds is something he’d find more culturally relevant and easy to accept.

Let me explain...

I wrote this months ago for a zine I never made. I took the photos for said non-existant zine. Act like you know.

Ciscorn Big mild choco seems to be the seminal breakfast cereal of those living in the Gifu University International House. According to the box: Ciscorn appeared in Japan for the first time in 1963. Since then, it has been loved by many and is a familiar name to all.
Whether or not you can trust Japanese boxes is a whole other story. But, the ultra realistic taste of actual breakfast cereal is something
no (western) foreigner can ignore. And at only 198 yen a box, eating a mild chocolate flavoured flake made from squashed, dried corn kernals has
never been more affordable. (Except maybe in your own country where things aren’t ridiculously priced.)
There is also a frost flavoured Ciscorn, but who gives a shit!?

I was pretty into it. But then I started having noodles or toast for breaksfast. But NOW that there’s strawberry Ciscorn. Oh ho ho ho hey! They want me back and they know where to aim.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ciscorn Big now comes in strawberry!
Do you know how much this means? To everyone?


A constant fear of mine.


When I make it big i.e. either a drug lord or a Lady Gaga, I'm not going to be stuck with the usual 'high-tech' security systems you see in movies. All it takes is one do-gooder (the feds, a private detective) to infiltrate your mansion using ordinary objects to override the security mainframe and reflect highly sensitive heat sensing laser beams. I know I have an unrealistic image of those who break and enter AND high tech security systems. That is the fault of movies like Entrapment, The Thomas Crown Affair, Beverley Hills Cop, FX, Crocodile Dundee, 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Grinch etc.
But despite that, I'm still not waisting my time with a convectional security system. Instead of dogs or bodyguards, both of which can turn on you when bribed with a meat patty, I'll have something so much more.
It's a collection of infants with chainsaws... released at the intruder. The pros of having children, old enough to walk but young enough to be cute, with chainsaws are numerous. But it's beauty lies in it's simplicity.
Firstly, the children (ranging from 4 to 7 years old) would not have the motor skills required to effectively handle a chainsaw. While there's a chance they'll actually do some damage to the intruder, there's a greater chance they'll carelessly chainsaw their comrades or their own legs off. This very image of grotesque, accidentally self-inflicted child amputation would reduce any human with the slightest sense of decency to a whimpering heap on the ground. I call this a passive-aggressive approach. The intent is not to physically harm the trespasser, but drive him into madness.
  • These kids are probably just orphans. They don't eat much, and housing them is relatively cheap.
  • Brainwashing them into cutting strangers down with a chainsaw would be relatively easy. Kids are notoriously easy to brainwash.
  • And let me reiterate: What kind of sick, soulless human being would fight kids? Presumably my residence is being infiltrated because I'm a power hungry mad man that needs to be stopped. Presumably it's a selfless hero type figure breaking in. Presumably he'd stop dead at the sight of children. His only weakness.

I know what you're thinking. You want this idea all for yourself. Fine, steal it from me. But you know intellectual piracy is a crime. Does that sit well with you?


Sometimes the truth can smack down on people like an abortion. And that's what they need.
No, that's not funny. That's just music getting worse. And you being a dickfish.
I have 2 friends I went to high school with who are definitely and unequivocally sluts. One is a slut, I assume because she enjoys the lifestyle. The other is a slut, it would seem, out of sheer desperation. I mean, really, I have no idea why they're sluts.

Anyway, slut #1 is your basic, average slut- Wears slutty clothes, has loose morals when it comes to any kind of relationship with questionable men, hangs at typically slutty locations and backs it all up with slutographic evidence on facebook. She's quite the hoot.

Slut #2 however, puts on more of a slut act rather than living the slut lifestyle. I mean that in the sense that I'm fairly certain she's not getting layed. Also, her facebook content makes her look like an 8 year old boy. For her, I think being a slut is a chance of being noticed. I mean, if you met her you'd probably get the 8 year old boy vibe, but when you're around her trying to be flirtatious, she by passes class and goes straight into dumb slut territory. She is the 'dumb slut'.

If the 2 were to ever have a slut off, slut #1 would effortlessly wins hands-down.
But you'd give slut#2 bonus points for trying. And I mean, REALLY trying. The desperate slut.
Ironically or whatever, the 2 do not currently have boyfriends.

Maybe it's because they're massive sluts.

Oscar worthy, Emmy nominated

You know what would make for a really good movie? This ordinary guy gets bitten by a drug addict in front of a methadone clinic. And miraculously he starts to take on all the powers of a drug-addicted homeless bum. At first he abuses his power in some amateur wrestling matches, in a effort to earn some money and buy a car to impress this girl. But then this shit happens and his (really old) uncle dies. And from then on he only uses the powers he received to fight crime.

I'm seeing a new relationship therapist. I was never really seeing my old one. And I don't even have a relationship therapist. But it's been drawn to my attention that I need a relationship counsellor type figure in my life.
Realistically, I will just play out a therapy session in my head. Assuming that a therapy session would correlate roughly to a 'tennis' type momentum of question and answer; problem and solution; explosive crying and hugging; explosive outbursts of anger and more hugging, I'm fairly certain I could get in a good 3 hours of therapy before bed. I'm charging myself of course. Whatever the going rate for therapy is.
If that doesn't work and I still come across as a mean-spirited asshole, I'll just stare at this picture of the blue alien from The Fifth Element until I'm cured. It could happen.


It's like Mighty Ducks 2

You know how the film The Mighty Ducks taught you to believe in yourself, and not take winning so seriously? How it drew a comparison between the game of ice-hockey and the mental well-being of a 10 year old.
Well, The Mighty Ducks did all that shit for me aswell. But I think the props really goes to this movie.

In this particular scene, the 2 girls try to convince glasses over there, that suicide is a good option.

But it's okay, because she goes and does this instead. (BORing. Suicide would have been heaps sweeter.)

Oh, and this.
It's like Mighty Ducks 2.
I have alot of respect for She's All That. It is a 90's teen movie afterall. So much respect in fact, I'm aware of it flaws and aim to rectify them. Just like a psychiarist would take a neurotic, cannibalistic Jay-Z fan and turn it into a functioning member of society, I would take this movie and make it better make improvements make it a good movie.

Did you ever notice this particular couple in the background? Are they not the best
high school couple?
I don't know what they're deal is, but they both have really long hair and I guess that says a lot about a person's character.
He's probably this slightly introverted, bad-ass type who is actually acing biology but no one knows he's smart because he never participates in class discussions. He likes to drink soda and loiter around the mall with his girlfriend. He played basketball during primary school and skateboarded in his first 2 years of middle school. But realising skateboarding is for Dennis the Menace, gave it up.

She's upper middle-class and hangs around these 3 girls with too many ear piercings and second-hand cars and non-high school student boyfriends. They all wear black tops and all her friends wear jeans, but as you can see, she likes to wear pink skirts on occassion. Sometimes they sit together at lunch. Sometimes they don't. It's relaxed like that. She's into Alanis Morrisette.

They are the ultimate grunge couple of the 90's (Cobain and Courtney Love don't count because they're disgusting.)
True, it wouldn't have been possible to fit them into the movie because of time restraints. But I'm surprised they didn't make a spin-off movie about them. Surprised and disappointed. I imagine it basically would have been like Daria, but the couple play Daria only less depressed and pathetic. So it's witty, sarcastic lines from them and 'omg did they really just say that', 'laugh at not with' lines from all the other stereotypical highschoolers. The 3 girls she hangs around with are like Jane... but, you know, actually likeable. And I guess we can throw in a sort of 'out there' friend of his that he always runs into at the mall but it's unsure whether he goes to school with them or what. He'd be like Trent.


Look closely. Do you see it?
Yeahhh :) That's a photo of a fat man. It sure is. It's off someone's facebook photo collection. A friend of a friend's. It was in an album titled 'Italy', of course I wanted to look. And this particular photo unbroke my heart. It says "I'm here in a store in Italy, and there's this obese man, and I'm gonna photograph him and then put this photo on the internet."
And that's an important message. Something that's very close to my heart, ever since my mum was killed my fat people over 3 years ago.

Good, good, good. That's good.
Definitely dead. Living things don't smush their faces into the pavement and let their tongues have a taste.

Molding dead babies into cute positions, I'm totally cool with.
Enough with the photos of dead animals in cute positions. Enough with the killing of cute animals in the name of heart-warming photos.
How do I know these animals are dead and not just 'sleeping'. Because animals don't like being 'put' into position. And they sure as hell don't do these things naturally, of their own accord. Unless of course you're chucking them into these situations and then taking the photos really super fast before they squirm out of it. Then, I guess that's cool or whatever. OR WHATEVER.

Cats awkwardly reclining AND wearing sunglasses. Man, you have some random cats there, pal. It must be non-stop laughs and all 'round good times at your place. I can't believe these cats totally got themselves into this situation. You know what they say, about animals being more human than humans themselves... You know?