I now know ...
where he lives.
On my fucking street.
Saw him today, mowing his lawn.
The most angelic fucking lawn you'll ever lay eyes on.
30 Nov 8:44pm
Sorry dude. Ran out of credit. But no, I dont have to wear a burka. I WANT to. lol one, theres not a million guys staring at you, two, its kind of amazing. Its kind of an invisibility cloak. Im the female harry potter, bitch.
5:20pm 30th Nov
(I met Karen in Japanese class, first year of uni. She is graduating. I get teary thinking about our time at uni ending. I'm genuinely happy for her but at the same time, I wish we could all bake a cake of rainbows and smiles and graduate together holding hands, and happiness would radiate out of our butt cracks and world hunger would be a thing of the past.)
Which essentially makes me Henry and Beverly Hills 90210.
I so have no grip right now. I think i threw up and had a sausage roll.
-27th Nov 1:27am
Compared to his usual texts, which are complex masterpieces, this text, this text about throwing up, and then having a sausage roll plays on the simple concept of continuity, and in it's simplicity, is, in and of itself, a triumph of English literature.
I can only assume that when Henry texts, his fingers channel some pool of raw humanity that is off-limits to others. Here's what I mean:
Haha maybe. Or maybe i'll gag myself and then swallow my own vomit?
- 4th Nov 6:49pm
Henry's texts seem to revolve around common themes and although his prose tends to lie somewhere between Baroque and existential, with a tendency to be Neo-romantic at times, obvious influences would (presumably) include the more modern works of Sylvia Plath and Perfume. (citation needed)
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
- 2nd Nov 11:19am
On the 13th of November (last month), I experienced "5 indulgent layers of vertical yum!"
For those of you who are new to vertical yum, a little advice:
You may think you're ready. You may say to yourself "How vertical can this yum be?"
Let me tell you, it's the most vertical yum that ever existed.
God didn't know what to do with himself when he came up with the concept of layering yum in the least horizontal of manners.
Note: I never show Axel the respect he deserves. Not as my intellectual superior; not as the penultimate example of genetic European evolution that he is, and certainly not as a human being. So, in honour of tradition, I thought it fit that I should be the one to "flip him the bird" in this 'pop-culturally' relevant fashion.
Here's to Axel, and here's to the 'retarded hive-mind'.
First grade, the day before my first 'free dress day' experience, my teacher, Mrs Clo (Chlo? Cloe? Klow?) was giving us the low-down on what would be appropriate and inappropriate attire for the class room.
All I can recall her saying was "Don't come to school with jeans ripped at the knees."
(Obviously the 90's)
But what I think about now is, who the fuck did she think bought our clothes at that age? Axl Rose?
This is the most bizarre display pic I have ever, EVER seen.
That bird does not like being held at that angle. What animal does like being held up against a grown man's face; sandwiched between lips and the force of gravity?
Normally I would, of course, condone something this advant garde.
Buuut... (according to Facebook) his interests include "motorcycles" and "martial arts"... so perhaps this in just unintentionally... funny.
Here's to the kids who just don't get it.
"Hhhmmm, upload a profile picture? What about the one where I'm lying down with a parrot to my face? Yes. Yes, I'm sure no one would ever think of blogging about that. In the clear!"
Sometimes I wonder whether we really did attend high school together, or whether they were home schooled, and this is some huge government conspiracy.
I can't speak for you ladies, (I will though) but I can imagine you kinda freaked your nuts off.
Well, Henry is taking his excessively charming self back into the workplace.
Here is his interesting (read: warped) take on the common practice of job interviews:
Interviewer 1: skinny Asian-looking chick. Late 20s. Last name White (Barry White?). Rootability scale: 7.5
- 1.13pm 23 Nov
Interviewer 2: mid 30s father-figure, fit, graying roots. Nice smile.
Rootability scale: 8.0
- 4:01pm 23 Nov
I thought it was about time I got off my arse and made some money... so I applied for two jobs on sunday. Got 2 callbacks for interviews the next day. 2 for 2. On tuesday. Isn't that a pizza hut deal?
- 4:03pm 23 Nov
For a minute there I thought I was onto something really profound. But it turns out that's just what happens when you try and convince yourself that your poor academic achievement this semester is irrelevent. You get all faux real and existential, like, fo' real.
Wikipedia says before being king he was known for his work as a cultural ambassador in Europe and as a classical dance instructor.
A classical dance instructor. Instructor of the most classical of all the dances. Him. He instructs them.
And, if you don't mind me saying, he is pretty darn good lookin'.
King Norodom, if you're reading this, I am considering going full blown gay for you and your money and your dance instruction.
Read his Wikipedia article because he sounds like the grooooviest guy.
He's my favourite king now. He's practically my favourite human being.
Steve: C'mon Shirls. It's your birthday. If it makes you feel any better it's nothing grand. Just a little something.
Shirley: You are so sweet. I don't know what I did to deserve you.
Steve: Just open it.
Shirley: Okay! Yay! *unwraps present*
Steve: Well... do you like it, dear?
Today, my friend turns to me and out of nowhere says "Liam, have you ever even thought about getting a job!?"
I went on to inform her that out of the both of us, she's the only one to never have had a job.
I also went on to remind her that we were friends when I was working.
"Ooh yeah. That's riiight. I remember you working there. And there, too."
I come across as someone who has never had a job/ can't hold down a job/ blogger.
I come across as someone who professionally blogs, so HARD, that I'm actually brainwashing people into thinking I've never worked a day in my life.
Give me 20 minutes alone with my previous employers and they'll swear they never even met me.
Twen. Ty. Minutes.
I give Katy Perry's 'Firework' 5/5
I'm seeing Machete tomorrow, and I'm hoping against hope it will be a movie I end up caring about. Because apparently, movies don't impress me anymore
It was late 2008, and I was buying a digital camera. I spotted him from a far in a Dick Smith Electronics. I was with a friend, and the only other person in the store was this "Rasta" looking guy with beautiful, shimmering, angelic dreads, wearing a beanie in the traditional Rastafarian colours.