I've seen the Twilight movie. In my defence I heckled it until I was tired and cranky.
Think I can't make an adequate judgement on a movie I've only seen once? Well Merry Christmas, I've seen it once and a half. Yeah, I watched it on a plane! So what? I also made the mistake of watching The Spirit and Doubt on the same flight. (More bad movies I didn't entirely finish watching.)
"Soapbox moment: do not let your impressionable children read Twilight, lest they internalize the kind of freaky obsessive codependent relationship dynamics that Meyer insists are, like, romantic or something. Seriously, SO CREEPY." - some other blogger
Yeah, that was my whole argument. Just some lines ripped from some other place on the internet.
- Mean Girls - Regina George and a bus. Honestly, unexpected the first time 'round. That's what made it so good.
- The Wicker Man - The Nicholas Cage one. The scene where he's on a boat, and he hallucinates the little girl, then the truck hitting her. Totally unexpected because they're on an effing boat!
- The Craft - homeless dude with the snake. And the after shot with the stunt dummy limply bouncing on the road. Bravo!
- The Memories of Matsuko - Train suicide. Severed arm. All round good time!
If only someone would compile them all and make me a 'getting hit by automobile' montage.
- The bar. Long Island Ice Tea. Certainly sir.
- Leave your friends safely dancing in an erotic circle they'll most probably regret being in.
- Talk to girls seated at the edge of the dance floor.
- Some other girl walks past and draws you into a dancing conversation. Awkward.
- But wait. She has a hot friend. Talk to her instead.
- Oh Hello! The awkward bitch has dragged you back. You are hers now.
- Notice she has cigarettes. Can I borrow one of those?
- Oh My God, these are the best cigarettes ever.
- Yes, they are apple flavoured you pussy.
- But they taste like marshmallow.
- She's not so bad after all.
- Chat to her. Have another Long Island.
- No, wait, she is bad.
- Push her off onto a friend.
- She's back. With a vengeance. Her cigarettes are all gone.
- Die inside.
- Have a Long Island, baby.
- Oh. You're still here. Shouldn't you step out for more cigarettes? Oh, dance? I'm not sure, I'm not really feelin- Oh...kay.
- Find the sluttiest person you know, but barely ever see.
- End up dancing with a fat Scottish girl in order to make cigarette-less stalker over there jealous.
- That's right. This Scottish terrier is all mine.
- You know what you need. A Long Island iced with Ice Tea. Icey!
There isn't an appropriate light blue font. That kills me inside.
Television Without Pity
Because back in high school I remember this show being big. Let me just refresh your memory.
Everyone at school was watching it. Check
It was a conversation topic in our English class one day. Yes, an English teacher knew what it was. Check
Supre brought out those slogan shirts with fashion forward sayings such as "I ♥ SETH" and "I ♥ The O.C." Check
Everyone was suddenly into indie music (This finally makes sense to me now), a friend got an O.C. DVD box set for her 16th, Mischa Barton was in magazines... Check Check Check
So by all accounts, this should have been a good show. I trusted the judgement of my high school peers. I was (willingly) working school nights at the time. I had no time for TV. But now, AHAh, blissfully unemployed.
So imagine my joy when the chance to watch the O.C. arose. Finally I was going to catch up on all the popular culture that was relevant to my generation 3 years ago! I was going to claim my birthright. I was finally going to understand the story arcs and character traits that underpinned my blah blah blah an integral part of my teenage education blah blah right of passage blah.
I watched maybe, 6 episodes? 7 at most. I wasn't counting. I wasn't in charge of what I was viewing.
And the O.C. sucks. I've read bumper stickers that were more entertaining. I'd had conversations with old people that were more quippy. The O.C. is so lame it's not even funny.
To get the full insight, check this conversation between Donna and Brenda.
Brenda: I can't believe I spent 3 hours of my life watching episodes of the OC! What was I thinking!?
Donna: Ew! The OC? I feel so sorry for you! I feel unclean just thinking about that series. At least the original Beverley Hills now has some retro appeal.Brenda: You're telling me!! I feel so fucking affronted that someone out there didn't destroy every last clip of the OC after it went off the air. It's like, "Oh, Hitler's dead. So shall we keep the concentration camps functional?"
Donna: It's like Hello!? If you're going to have a lacklustre script and sterile sets, at least make the characters visually appealing. Who's idea was it to put "stylish, rich Californian kids" in clothes from Target? UGH!
Brenda: If you didn't like the black mumu singlet I'm wearing you just had to say so.
Names like Peter/Peta, Robin/Robyn, Sam/Sam can all step aside.
Meet Rapathy / Rapothy
It is everything you'd want to call a child that is either a boy or a girl.
Let me break down the finer points of this name.
Firstly, you have Rap. Like the rugged, urban way of rhyming (Look at me, defining music genres). So it's perfect for a rugged, masculine little boy. Or a sassy girl who knows how to look out for herself.
Then you have athy part. Like the athy in Kathy or the othy in Timothy. Spelling would ultimately differ depending on the sex of the child, but pronunciation would be the same.
It's perfectly suited to either sex, and it's new AND trendy. I wouldn't be surprised if some drugged-up celebrity names their child Rapathy.
(It's heaps cuter than Maddox.)
"Why don't we enable the seat to rotate 360 degrees?"
Spinning yourself (or others) around on these chairs can literally make hours pass by like minutes. The only reason office workers don't kill themselves, I attribute to the sheer enjoyment factor of these chairs.
Plus they have that really great lever that adjusts the height. So you can make it really high, then push the lever and glide down back to earth.
Inflatable chair - You like it rough? This is the chair for you. You like pillow fight level domestic violence? Bash your friends and loved ones with this chair. Sick of the position at which you are seated in relation to the tv? Pick up your light-as-air chair and move!
Skeleton chair- It's very Addams Family. The only bad side is you'll probably have to listen to every dinner guest you have over, endlessly compliment them and your impeccable taste.
Traditional European looking chair - Stylish and arrogant looking. Sit in one of these and throws cups of searing hot tea at as many butlers as you like.
(What I like to call the) Ladder chair - It's 1980's modern. Which is modern without being space age ridiculous.
So me and my girl have become the best of friends. We laugh and tell eachother stories. And I think she's a lesbian and talk about all the lesbonic things she does behind her back.
Note: I don't actually know/mind whether she's a lesbian.
On Wednesday she told me about her new nickname.
It all began when she took a trip back to her home town. She was in the Basketball club in highschool (lesbian) and as such her old friends are her old team members.
She tells me she met up with them and they were all wearing jeans and t shirts (total dykes) but she was wearing a dress and leggings.
And then they all look at her and exclaim "Maternity!"
And now her new nickname is Maternity.
(Which would be pretty shameful amongst your butch lesbian basketball team)
From now on, whenever I feel badly, I will remind myself that I will never have to go through junior high again.
I will drive around in search of 14 year olds (easily identified by their Trying-Too-Hard-To-Fit-In-With-One-Particular-Clique-Clothing and/or the look of misery in its purest form upon their faces), stop my car and point and laugh at them “YOU’RE 14!” And I’ll laugh and laugh and laugh. “YOU’RE 14 AND I’M 21, HAHAHAH” And I’ll be bent over at the waist because I am laughing so hard at how badly that sucks for them and, by proxy, how fucking awesome it is for me. “YOU’RE 14 AND YOU’RE GOING TO BE 14 FOR UPWARDS OF A YEAR! HAHAHA! AND AFTER THAT YOU’RE 15! OH, THAT’S RICH. THAT’S RICH.”
And then I will drive off, never having felt better about my life.
Case in point: Your boyfriend is a tomato. His practical use? He can be used to simulate gums in an ad for soft toothbrushes.
Other uses? Food. But that is incredibly impractical. Eat him and he'll be gone. Back to single life for you. But how romantic! A moment of passionate, tomatoy love and then he's gone.
It's like that stupid movie about a dumb slut who moves to a new town, befriends a family of vampires and falls in love with one.
Love stories between vampires and humans, humans and tomatoes, cats and mice, fire and firewood.
Everyone's into it because;
- Prepubescent girls as consumers/economic driving force set trends
- It's highly impractical and people are into that
Case in point: Your girlfriend is a waffle iron. Yay for you, waffles when ever she's not being a bitch to you! That could seriously mean up to 1 serving of waffles per week!!!!!! How can this not be good!?!?
You love her because, she gives you sweet waffles. But if you mess with her, you'll get burnt. If you drop her in the bathtub while she's plugged in, you'll get electrocuted. If you neglect her, she'll get all crusty and your waffles will be all nasty. (Ew!)
Doesn't that sound like a REAL relationship?
Not some mystical fairytale slop about a vampire and a loser cavorting around eachother in an endless Enya music video.
Fat kids are primarily responsible for the deaths of Sonny (from Sonny and Cher fame) and that blonde kid who shot himself on the original 90210. Didn't that blonde kid shoot himself though?
In the episode maybe. But have you seen the actor who played that kid lately? I haven't. And I suspect fat children are behind his disappearance.
I saw this movie once. Well twice. 3 times. It's called Howl's Moving Castle. It's a ridiculous Japanese anime about loving people for who they actually are. I know right? Well the title of said movie seems really informative! Don't get snappy with me.
In this movie, there is a fat woman. Well, she's a witch. I should have said witch first right? That sums up both gender and profession simultaneously. Much like prostitute or president.
So this witch is fat.
And they cured her fatness by making her walk up this huge flight of stairs and then sit in a room which had these massive light bulbs in it. The light bulbs were turned on and then the scene cuts to something else, which isn't very helpful considering your child, is probably right now on the verge of morbid obesity.
But I think it's more or less self-explanatory.
Large flight of stars. Room with giant light bulbs.
You should make sure the bulbs are energy efficient ones. Yes, I know they're more expensive.
I love disaffected teens on the web. In person? God no. I hate them. But in virtual form they are a steady source of amusement and ridicule. But be warned. The thoughts and opinions of disaffected teens with internet connections can be as addictive as any drug. So limit yourself.
God knows reading the circular arguments that unabashedly take place on youtube comment boards can make one shit from the inanity.
Obama is so gay.
Obama is not gay you rasist!
Actually he's a homophobe, not a racist.
Obama is not a homophobe and he's defs not a racist, dude.
Also, avoid any and all sympathetic emotional states you may be compelled/brainwashed into feeling. Becoming attached to disaffected teens over the internet can lead to 1 of 2 terrifying outcomes:
1. A paedophile
2. An affected guidance counsellor insistent on making a difference
Experts say you should devote at least 5 minutes a day ridiculing emotionally 'crippled' youths who insist on putting their problems out there for the world to see.
In particular, those who are not only so full of rage and apathy (rapathy), but also fuelled by the desire to accessorise their problems with photos of themselves, their new haircuts, their 'various' poses and 'eclectic' music tastes.
Jeez bitch, if you love ska that much, let some melodic Carribean beats 'slash' that pain away.
Spending upwards of 10-11 minutes on such pursuits however is unwise. Remember, there are bigger problems out there.