Texts from 28th Aug

11:56am
I am going to weep over my lost undies. Not even Papa can make me feel good about putting a shirt on right now.

11:59am
Fucking Papa. I am shirted and distressed.

12:12pm
I have no idea why I am distressed but it all started when I put my bra on and looked in the mirror. Today is not going to end well. Have fun with your box.

9:02pm
Thank you. And thank god I am still a faggot.

9:04pm
The old man bought me presents its hard to be distressed when you have 30 dollar jam to taste.

9:06pm
Its 'burnt fig'. It just tasted burnt. But better because it's for the rich.

I had one important decision to make all day, and that was too much for me.

I've done nothing but fail to decide on which Chinese university I'm going to apply for, all day. Trying to find the best possible any university that: offers a Chinese language course, suitable living standards and is located in a tolerable climate zone, is going badly.
Apparently no university in China fulfils these criteria.

So I'm just going to have to shut my MSG hole and take Chinese classes in some humid swamp in the south while lodging with eight other students in a room with no windows.

Retro-actively grateful for the minuscule room replete with fridge, toilet, and air con that was my Japanese student living arrangement for 2009. Bless that prison! Bless that hell-hole so fierce!

Last night

Me: What grade are you guys in?

Them: 10.

Me:

So, who's the biggest slut in your cohort?

Them: Katie!

Me:

I actually had to do some research for that last post. I was like "Would semen in an open wound really sting?" Because I don't want it to sound like I just make shit up.
Me:

Linguistics

Linguistics, I understand can pass as a hobby; a fleeting interest between more meaningful, less trivial pursuits. A hobby similar to: being host to a tapeworm, or breeding pigeons.

But linguistics is not my hobby. It's what I had to do in order to double major in Japanese and Chinese. It's a grave sacrifice that I had to make.

Think of me as a victim in that Hostel movie. Linguistics is the bad guy. A double major in Japanese and Chinese is my freedom.

Linguistics takes a knife to my Achilles tendon, then ejaculates white hot semen in the wound. It burns, it stings and it infects me with HIV aids.

End movie.

I give it 3 and a half stars.

Instant comedy in my opinion is just mentioning Jean Bennet Ramsay. It's pretty tactless, rarely witty and stolen from Nicole Richie in an episode of Simple Life.

Da Bourbon Buddhaz

If this were actually a group of alcoholic white Buddhist amateur rappers from the American mid-west, kinda like a cross between Insane Clown Posse and Wu-Tang Clan, you can bet your sweet ass I would join the "We hate America" bandwagon without any hesitation.

http://sweetemailaddress69.tumblr.com

crap at my parents house

crap at my parents house

crap at my parents house

crap at my parents house

I'm gonna study this so fierce.

And when I finally attain awesome, I'm going to kill myself. Because no one should have to live like this prick.

Fear on a scientific scale

3 - Repulsed (redeemed only by ballin' outfits)

8 - Severely creeped

10 - FUCK THIS SHIT!

Omg it keeps getting better and better.
Period honey. LOL

Hahahaha, good one! fkn.

Look, liam baby, me and terry -Tazza Rich we used to call him - we have a mutual understanding, okay? Basically, i teach him everything i know about taking photos and milkin cows, and he sends me red flannelette shirts every month. Try and keep up ok sweetie?

- The Henry 'Hazza' H

Losers:

Me:

If that isn't the very essence from which the phrase "Fucking spare me" was first conceived, then I don't know what is.

Halloween costumes figured!!

This bitch is gonna be Jessie:

Obviously I will be James.

And we will be taking auditions for who will be Meowth.

- xoxo Team Rocket

I am going to memorize these rules, even if it kills me.

I make a point of expressing how much I hate poetry at least once a year. This however, this poem about raping a mermaid... this is good. Horrid obviously, but good.

Mermaid

About human love,
she knew nothing.

I’ll show you he promised.
But first you need legs.

And he held up
a knife

with the sharpest of tips
to the ripeness of her emerald tail.

She danced an involuntary dance,
captive
twitching with fear.

Swiftly
he slit

down the muscular length
exposing the bone in its red canal.

She played dead on the rock

dead by the blue lagoon
dead to the ends of her divided tail.

He fell on her, sunk himself deep
into the apex.

Then he fled
on his human legs.

Human love cried the sea,
the sea in her head.

Moniza Alvi

Can we just agree that Tegan and Sara's "Alligator" and it's Passion Pit remix are equally as good? Even if we both know that the remix is just a tiny bit better? Just a tiny bit. Like, which one would you rather listen to first thing in the morning as you sip a bloody mary? Just think about that for 45 minutes or so.

So, when you're too dumb to utilize the basic cognitive function that is production of speech, you plagiarize lyrics and catchy beats as your own thoughts?
The likes of Mozart, Marilyn Manson and Perfume probably didn't create masterpieces with the idea of completely replacing your thoughts with their own in mind.

At my sister's wedding, the mother of the groom's speech was something like "This song in from [TV show] , I think it perfectly describes [name of bride] and [name of groom.] Listen carefully to the lyrics."
Then proceeded to sit down and let the song play with a satisfied look on her face that read "Fucking nailed it!"

Wouldn't it have been more meaningful if she'd decided to, I don't know, write her own fucking lyrics about how she feels now that her son is getting married?

Artists probably prefer you try not to relate too heavily with their work. Because it reflects badly on the music when 'tards like yo'self tell us how much music means to your meaningless life.
Just so you know, I saved this picture under "dumbslut".

i dont give a fuck nigga

It's a travesty that people are breaking their necks to seek asylum in this country and I am not in possession of this ring. Two factors that political leaders choose to ignore. My naked unadorned finger is a human rights issue that has gone unchecked by this political establishment for far too long now. And that makes me sick.

How many hours until Ben 10: Alien Force?

Too many.

Ripped straight from Wikipedia's womb: Set five years after the original series, the storyline is notable for having matured the characters and taking a darker tone, with more complex plots, and sometimes characters dying on-screen.

That's what I'm sayin'! Ben 10: Alien Force - It's the Catcher in the Rye of Saturday morning cartoons. It's How to Kill a Mocking Bird meets something held in equally high regard. It's dark, brooding and subversive... and that's just the cup of coffee I sip while I sit there at 10am with my brow furrowed in intense concentration as this masterpiece plays out before me.
I'm not even fucking kidding.

Earth to Liam

Ben 10 and Ben 10: Alien Force are two absolutely different things!
Well... not absolutely. But absolutely.
I've been going on all this time about how fantastic Ben 10 is, and I'm wrong. Down right dirty wrong. It's Ben 10: Alien Force that is fantastic. LORD! What a complete fuck-up I've been.

Most people who grew up in the 90's agree that this was an absolutely terrifying show. When I first saw "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" written in the TV guide I thought it was some kind of self-help programme. I mean, it was Nickelodeon. Nothing was scary on Nickelodeon. It only brought me joy. Naturally I thought Nickelodeon would want to provide me with an instructional guide on how to eradicate my fear of the dark. How I was wrong.

I can distinctly remember watching episodes just up until they got scary (like 6 minutes in) and then turning it off. Once (the first time I decided to watch it, still under the assumption it was going to make me impervious to fear) I went too far and watched for about 8 minutes... and the things I saw. Things that ensured I didn't sleep well for months.

Most people naturally turn and roll over when they sleep. The body naturally shifts itself into a comfortable position, multiple times during the night.

However, terrified that I would be attacked by "Are You Afraid of the Dark" monsters, I had to override this natural bodily function. In order to keep a constant vigilant guard over my room,

I slept on my back, for months on end, under the belief that if for one second I let my guard down, roll over into a more comfortable sleeping position and expose my back, I would die.

I would go to sleep lying on my back, and would wake up 8 hours later, stiff as a board in the same position. I would be semi-conscious in the middle of the night, my body pleading to roll over into a more comfortable position, my spine screaming to gently curve into a more relaxed shape, my face yearning to rest side-ways on the pillow... but NO. Not on my watch. I will not give monsters such an easy target!

These days I hate sleeping on my back. I spent all those months doing it non-stop, and now I just can't. Even on the rare occasion when I feel terrified about the paranormal, I'm like "Fuck it, I would rather die,' because sleeping on my stomach is so much more comfortable.

Could someone please explain to me, in the most basic of terms, what happens in Wicker Park? Because I've rejected 3 chances to watch that movie all the way through which, I think you'll agree was an excellent decision.
However, Wikipedia, (for the first time) has betrayed me. Is it possible that no one knows what's going on in this movie? Or is it just that no one cares enough to sit through it and find out i.e. "I'll just wiki it later"?

It really is about time I did.

Selected texts received today

11:37 am
Ok so in the vain and I mean vain due the excessive amount of time I spent checking my reflection in the windows of The Tribal Theatre, attempt that The Runaways were still playing I made the discovery of a lifetime Homeless people love me and that the Human centipede is coming soon. Take me take you take take take.

12:29pm
I take pride in that. Point of the message was Human Centipede?

12:45pm
They swarmed him like locusts. He happily let them ravage his backpack, all the while making good conversation. When he ran out of food and walked away, the ungrateful gulls didnt even spare him a second glance.

12:45pm
I think I just met Jesus.

1:05pm
Well done, I see they don't call you liam "the deducer" (redacted last name) for nothing. No, im wearing black pants. And a baby-blue collared shirt thats two sizes too big for me. BABY. FUCKING. BLUE. i know right? Excuse me while I gouge out my intestines with this butter knife.

2:25pm
Well, he hates gays (or doesn't actually acknowledge them) and women. So you're fine. Unless you're actually gay and a woman. In which case, don't go to Iran.

2:46pm
Hahahahaha ur coke nail never fails to crack me up. Get it?

3:11pm
So marinating my breasts is ok but I went too far when I mentioned my hair.

3:24pm
Pose pose pose! Ok the Kodak moment has probably gone by now. But still. Always refer back to this text anytime u feel unsure about posing.

Conclusion: What do I actually do at uni?

During class today someone's phone went off, and get this... his ring tone was a frog croaking! Whenever he gets a message or call, he is serenaded by a symphony of the most delightful of amphibious melodies! A darn tootin' frog symphony no less!
Never having spoken to this individual before, I cut the crap and went straight for it,
Me: "Where did you get it?"

Him: "China."

Me:



I must have it.

The words we all crave to hear from those we fuck.

I learnt a new word, both pragmatic and alienating. I hope to be using it soon (in very important conversations).

Can you use it in a sentence?

"Your dyke mum has mothercon."

GPOYW with half-assed book reviews

Have I told you how tedious I found this book? We all know they're gonna die in the eruption so hurry up already.

This book is stupid. But I like it. It's about a samurai detective who loves his wife. That is why it is filed under fiction.

I feel I should say something positive every now and then. So, this book has a really great blurb.

More importantly, hair like this?Or this? Decisions, decisions.