How about a big load of "No"?
I will not go to Ecuador and teach your needy kids. I have shit to do too you know? I can't just drop it all to learn Spanish while I brain wash your kids into aspiring toward futures they can't possibly achieve. This is South America for fuck's sake. I'm not going there based on your promise of a beautiful coast. Those kids probably gave their last teacher AIDs and that's why you need me. Lure me out to Ecuador you say; take my health and my money and my soul you say. Nuh! I'm way ahead of you. You ain't getting a piece of this!

I'm not going out tonight. Because I'd rather hang with my blog. Rather hang with my fly blog than you skanky bogans anyway!
Maybe if there were something interesting going on in the city of Brisbane I wouldn't be so hate filled and accusing ya'll of skankhood and boganism.
Instead I'm just chillin' on my couch, sipping on rum with my blog, exchanging jokes about our mothers' varying degrees of obesity.
I guess I'm feeling so relaxed and generous that I will share with you my favourite thing. Favourite thing! Since 2007 this has been an important element of my very existence. It defines me and I have made life-altering decisions with this is mind. It is my messiah. I'm so not even kidding.

We'll just see, buddy. I can be very very persuasive.

It's an important look all girls should have mastered by at least grade 10.

I consider my taste in comedy to be of a high caliber. And many of these photos featuring the black border and white captions tend to be on the level of sophisticated, high caliber comedy that I find so rewarding. I guess what I'm trying to say is, when that lady's mouth is just choc-a-block full of balls, I'll be having a chuckle. Because I can see beyond the immediate joke. You know?

Imagine my surprise when I open my briefcase and find a baby inside!
(And wearing my tie too, the little fuck.)

Hyberbole and a Half It's funny!

Houseguest: Why do you have that naked girl standing in some tyres in your garage?

Me: Oh, that's called a 'tyre stand'. It helps stop those pesky tryes rolling about or falling over.

Houseguest: Does that girl even speak English?

Me: Tyre stand. Speaking English. Tyre. Stand. English. Are you fucking retarded?

Things that are stinky:

• So You Think You Can Dance
• (Country's name) Idol
• Masterchef

Why? Because of the unnecessary attempt to be deep and emotional.
"Dancing isn't just spasming on stage. It's pure emotion. It comes from inside. It helps me get in contact with the spirit of my dead father. Blah blah etc."

Conversely, singing isn't just vocal spasms. "It's like, getting your feelings across to the public, through the medium of song. It's so special."

And now, food isn't just ingredients... spasming together on a plate. Apparently. I have watched some Master Chef. It's way too emotional for a show about preparing nutrients and digesting nutrients. And by association, let's face it, defication. It's a show about cooking, eating and then going for a nice healthy dump.

When I release my bowels, I think about my soul. I think about my loved ones. I want to give myself to the Australian television viewing public, spiritually.

I don't know about you, but my favourite part from Harry Potter was definitely when they were all zooming around on scooters like "ZOooooom!"

And their wizard robes were magically turned into regular muggle clothes, like disgusting shirts and those sunglasses that every cunt and a half is wearing.
And you're not sure if they're ever gonna feel the smooth rubbing of wizard cloak against their legs ever again. And you're like, "Use your Patronus, Harry!! Before it's too late!"
But it's a film (and a book) and he can't hear you. And yet you worry that he won't use his Patronus when all he has to do is use his fucking Patronus!

It's a fucking page turner heart attack!

I feel I have so many valid things to say about Mongolians. I attend parties hoping someone will ask me about them, or at least bring them up so I can show everyone how well-informed I am.

This is a photo from the only Mongolian person I knew during highschool. According to her facebook she is still Mongolian. This photo was infact taken in a club in Mongolia. The caption reads "ice that looks like a condom?!?"

Mongolians like to take risks. Ask me more about Mongolians... later.

Houseguest: Where do you want me to put this sloth?

Liam: The sloth stand.

Houseguest: The sloth stand?

Liam: The sloth stand over there.

Houseguest: Where?

Liam: Fucking Jesus.

In this classic piece a giant monster destroys a fairground in the background with laser beam eyes. The foreground features a regular size decapitated monster head.

On rice paper.

Karl-Axel's art features a lot of beheading. It's not so much a concept, as a theme? Do I sound arty?

speaking of excellent gifts

Re: Brenda doll

The Gift of CurryThe gift of curry is an ancient ancient tradition.

Don't eat anything he made.

Every now and then I like to remind people that this is probably the answer to all your problems. The answer to "Why do we exist?" and "Do you remember that scene in the Fifth Element with the blue alien lady?"
You're welcome.

Houseguest: Hey Liam, where do you want me to put this playing card?
Me: Just chuck it on the coffee table.

Houseguest: Uhhh... Do you mean that lady lying upside down against the wall over there?

Me: The coffee table.

Houseguest: The coffee table? The coffee table.... in the silver bikini?

Me: Are you here to critique the interior goddamned decorating or are you going to put the card on the goddamned coffee table?

Wasabi, soy sauce and green tea Kit Kats. But I guess, if you'd prefer a chocolate one...

Despite the way I treat people, I have somehow managed to make friends. Really good friends. Amazing friends. Friends that shower me in gifts and take little notice of the way I treat people.
This is a shout out to that cupcake of a friend of mine who bought me a Beverley Hills 90210 Brenda Barbie that is still in the box and ceased being made more than 15 years ago. Reaffirming masculinity... she can sit next to my action figures. I don't play with barbies. The original 90210 is considered to be a very butch teen drama. All your favourite action stars and Russian chauvinist writers were big fans of 90210. Brenda comes with a (high wasted) bikini AND cowboy boots. Brenda, Brenda, Brenda. I also took a photo of the back of the box. It features a brief but informative Brenda summary. Brenda and I share a very similar hair style and seductive stare. Here she tries to replicate me. Good try, Brenda!

I baked

Try some.

It's been a while since I've posted something so spiritual that it changes your life. I'm not apologizing. I'm just saying. This is a photo of a child and a man with said child in his mouth. Terry Richardson is pretty cutting edge. I mean, red socks on a child?! The little painted whore. RED. He's always pushing boundaries. Red socks. Whooo, give me some air here!

This is a photo of my brother I've used without permission. He's in a gosepl pop band. I love having his artistic influence in my life. Like when I asked him whether he was a virgin he told me to "Watch your back." It's like living with Terry Richardson. Photography and Music are both art forms, you know?

jelous minga's

And then Alana had to drag it on home. "Bottom of the food chain. Waa waaaaa." Oh, Alana, if only we were friends in real life. The things you say!

It just goes to show, it may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but we'll all get our comeuppance with regards to fucking with the wrong rocket propelled chainsaws.

!

Linguistics is dirt. Filthier than dirt and 10 times less practical. I'm thinking about just throwing a hand full of dirt into the lecturer's face. "Here, linguisticize on that!"
I'm certain that act would have met several requirements concerning foreign language teaching methodologies and she's bound to give me an A.

Yes, I know ya'll busy people. But you need to take 4 minutes and 52 seconds out of your day to familiarise yourself with the term 'juggalo' and then watch this video

He doesn't know how magnets work, and don't try to get a scientist to explain it to him. Oh, no no.

I saw the Kick Ass movie. Apart from 2 brutal yet entertaining fight scenes it was the most boring, whiny and generally faggy movie I've ever seen. But don't just take my word for it.

I hate kids so much.
But I respect pretty pictures.

And then Iopen my eyes again.

And I feel fabulous.

It's not like I'm going to say "No" to that... but... powerful intellectual curiosity? How long would I be expected to hold a pencil to my mouth for?

These are the cheerleaders from my high school senior years. It's a pity I wasn't friends with any of them because I feel we would have had so much in common, spiritually, you know? But that's high school, am I right?
I remember they gave this really inappropriate performance in front of the whole school. It featured one of them (the tiniest Asian one they flung into the air) strutting to the front, the music cuts, and she mouths the words "Yo, I got a fake ID" as those same words echo through the school hall. I know it was a backing track and she didn't really say it, because she doesn't have the voice of a male African American rapper.
Her lip-syncing was a little off too. That really gave it away.
The rest of the routine is a total blur I cannot for the love of god remember. Possibly because I wasn't paying attention. Possibly because it was so good my body cannot handle experiencing it more than once?

How To Blow Smoke Rings

So you're smoking. Good for you. You're only really smoking because you're nervous and you want to look cool. That's okay. There's no shame. Really, you should be nervous. What's not to be nervous about? It's the non-smokers of which I'm really suspicious. So while you're trying to look cool, or trying not to think about looking cool, or trying not to think at all, you may as well learn how to blow smoke rings.

1. Use a dense cigarette - one that will produce thick smoke. Hold it by the tip and hit it against a table so it packs down even more.

2. Take a deep drag, then hold the smoke in your mouth, from your teeth all the way to the back of your throat. This will give you cancer. Accept it.

3. Pucker your lips into an O shape. Round and rigid, like an arsehole, only bigger. This will look stupid, and possibly a little bit sexual. Keep your tongue firmly pressed against the bottom of your mouth.

4. Short, sharp exhalations - one per ring. Start from your diaphragm.

Works best when the air it still.


By Stan Mahoney at http://www.fourthousand.com.au/stray/how-to-blow-smoke-rings-2/

marriedtothesea.com

Can you tell? That was a 2008 haircut.