I don't know what a bambiccino is, but they sound adorable. I'll take 10.

Oh, and also

I'll just leave that with you. BAMBICCINO!

I need this ring. I need it to feel fabulized. How much does a Dior ring cost? Who exactly is Dior? And why exactly do I not have this ring already?

This ring is the essence of me.

If somehow it turned out I could never look directly at women's breasts ever again, I think it would be a pretty okay alternative if they just wore t-shirts with tits printed on them. It wouldn't even necessarily have to be their tits represented on the t-shirt. I guess most women would opt for someones else's breasts on their shirts anyway. I mean, why would a women want a shirt with her own breasts on it? I know how sensitive women are.

You see, I have this zebra print hat...

Chapter 1

First night as a hooker

It was rough and tough. And that was just the surface of my poorly shaven genitals. I didn't have the funds for a Brazilian, and even if I had, I still would have shaved my balls with that broken light bulb I had just lying around.
You see, my mother had this joke, "Anyone who's ever said Brazilians are nice people clearly have never had one of their waxes." And I hated my mother. Obviously. That was why I was a prostitute.

- exert from Liam's phenomenal No.1 best seller "My Life as a Prostitute"

my cruelty is extra curricular

I gave this note to a friend during class. The names in blue were actual names on the note. I only just came up with these descriptive nicknames. Usually I'm nice enough to use people's names.

Would you rather lick one of serious acne guy's cheeks (his facial cheeks) or tell everyone in the building you are dating suicidal fat cow and that she is marvelous in bed? Right! Right!!
Or sudden death?

Those were the DAYS

"An in-depth analysis on the anatomy of the Olsen Twins."

-Henry

You know what's really sad? You: Orphans? Me: No.
Seeing old people sitting and eating alone at restaurants. It's the saddest thing. I want to go up to them, sit down and chat. Let them know they're not really alone. Maybe have a taste of whatever they're eating. But I don't do that. Because old people don't need my pity. And most of them look crazed as hell.
Isn't it generous of me to at least mention old people on my blog?

Bitchin' model, la French to la bench

http://www.aboutagirl.com/about-a-girl-collection/1051-about-a-girl-collection-strike-out-tee.html

I don't pretend to be a Nirvana fan. I can't say whether Kurt Cobain was a genius or is just a decomposing corpse. But I can't say I expected a photo of him featuring a kitten AND a baby.
He's like this illusionary figure that exists soley in pop-culture references and jokes. Like gypsies and Jewish people, apparently they exist/existed, and I know what they are, but I've never met one... to my knowledge. But this just blows all preconceptions. And I ask myself, who the fuck was Kurt Cobain?
Don't answer that. I don't care.

Now I feel calm again.

Ahhh.

Okay, I'm going to get emotional over the internet, but before I even attempt to not do that, I've gotta let you know something.

I posted 'fuck your mum' on a friend's facebook. As you do. See that comment? That's from her mum. Her actual mum. But, I mean, the real problem with this, (aside from insults and parents on facebook) the key point in all of this, is that it's "Not likely."
I mean, listen lady, you're a great deal older than me, and you have at least one kid that I know about. Who do you think is really at liberty to reject whom? Wake up to yourself. Jeez.
You'd have asked for seconds. And now that boat has sailed.

Anyway, back to not getting emotional. I'm moving country. Again. After having settled, I'm packing my bags, throwing out all the crap I stuck to my walls, scrubbing the floor and going back home. A year abroad didn't feel like a long time. Sitting through 'Juno' felt longer.
If I'm not feeling emotional about the move, I'm feeling lazy. I'm content... and waking up early to catch a plane to Taiwan so I can catch a plane to Australia is ruining this 'content feeling'. It's getting up in it's grill, to be precise.
I'm unsure if I have any particular preference to where I'm living. Obviously not the 3rd world. Or an Islamic country. Or anywhere hot. Or most of Europe. And I can't see myself living in a country with guns. A 'gun country' or whatever. But Australia isn't my first preference... is it? Surely I could do better? Aim for the stars and possibly land amongst the clouds.
"Home is where the heart is." I see reason in this. Logically, that is the case. But what happens when you stretch your heart and scatter it around? Pouring all my heart into one thing, one country, one abstract piece of cheap fucking art... that's when you become a lunatic. Firmness of purpose is a character trait I would much prefer to see in fictional characters... and environmentally conscious millionaires.
Firmness of purpose... that sounds good. I'll take 2.
So yeah. Fuck your mum.

Gremlins really scrub up nicely in white. What is this? Pose with a Disgusting Freak Day?
When did I start not even attempting witty comments?
Haha, Pose with a Disgusting Freak Day.™ Genius.

I can't believe that club let yo' mumma in. Or did you just want a photo with the oldest gal in the club. I'm not sure what's going on here. You'd think I go through facebook photo albums looking for things to criticise.
The group shot with oldest lady in the club™.
"Hey guys, let's get a photo with the oldest lady in the club!" Laura suggested.
Check the guy in the background, can't even wait for his turn to take a photo with oldest lady in the club.™

The good thing bad thing thing about dating the most beautiful woman in stupid hat is that everyone will always compliment her hat. It will happen at every party and you'll eventually get sick of hearing about how 'stunning' she looks in that hat. It's not like that's the only reason you're dating her. And people start wondering if you're just using her for her hat. Times have changed.

I've got to say that this lady is the most appealing shade of blue. Everyone's always going on about sky blue, or the blue water of some beach, but those blues have nothing on her skin pigmentation. It's so calming to look act... ignoring the fact that she is of course, a hideous alien.

"The cat is listening to it's brain." - Karl-Axel Knutson aka the only Swede I've ever had the ability to respect love.

Watching someone have a mental meltdown isn't always as easy to watch as you'd expect. But it's a lot easier than actually watching someone physically melt. This girl seems to be doing both.

My friend is seriously delusional. It's almost sad. But you gotta admire her 'never say die' attitude. Even if it is so so sad.

Wait for it... it's coming to Ed Hardy sometime soon. Save up your 5 dollar bills!

Do I count the times when I'm actually touching other people's private parts? Because during that time I'm usually thinking about something else.

RETURNING TO AUSTRALAILIA

me: Isn't it french to the bench?

Henry: I'm not completely familiar with French benches. But I'm pretty sure this isn't it.

It's about time I did some kind of Henry tribute. He'll probably take it as another way too personal breach of his privacy. Just because I remember every minor detail about his life, he somehow thinks I'm this kind of stalker. You take the time to remember what someone wears to tennis and the name of their childhood dog and suddenly you're "crossing a line". Well, whatever.
Here's some shit you ought to know on the topic of Henry: He's hilarious and the captions he gives to his facebook photos will make you laugh 'till you puke. He also wears an Adidas jacket to tennis and his childhood dog was named Billy.

That's not even the beginning. It's just a personal favourite.

me: when you die, what do you want done with your body?

Henry: I dunno. Burned.

me: What will you do with the ashes?

Henry: Scatter it around the house. It will be like I never left.

I wish I could claim credit for this

But I don't even know who the middle 2 are. I'm out of touch.

♥

Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and I can't wait... to give a damn. I gave a damn once back in 1991 and let's just say that experience was well 1991.

Do you remember this?
And in grade 8, possibly 9, you likened yourself to Nelly? And that girl you made out with at the school dance to try and make her ex-boyfriend jealous... she was your Kelly.
Even though you didn't rap, and to this day you still only know the chorus (aka the part Kelly sings).
But the 2 of you were like Nelly and Kelly. Exactly like them.
And then how the next day you caught up with her and her friend. And she was wearing that pink tartan skirt and you were madly in love with her, thinking "She is my boo. This is forev's".
Then 3 weeks later how you were going out with her friend instead?
Pity for her, the ex-boyfriend was heaps more popular than me and so in his eyes, making out with Liam was pretty much her social suicide?
She became a cheerleader and I think he went to juvie.

Liam - 1
grade 8 high school popularity politics - 0

So... Yeah, do you remember all this?

The character Elaine from Seinfeld is in many ways my ideal woman: cruel, attractive, a less than average dancer. Cute would be the ideal describing word. But I'm unsure why. There's just an appeal. Her sarcasm, her 90's hairdos, her fondness of diners. It's chemical or something. She's inexplicably cute. Plus she'd totally hate my parents for all the right reasons.

If Satan doesn't get me one for Christmas I am gonna be a trifle pissed!
They better come in green.

Why do Jehovah's Witnesses' hate Christmas so much?

Hi, what can I get you today?

Uhm, I think I'll have 9... no, make that 10 Chun-lis.

Would you like them all striking different poses.

Hmmmm, yeeeah, why not? Only, could you make 2 of them stand on one leg and have their knee raised in front just a little?

We can do that.

And can you have them at either end... sorta "diametrically opposed".

Certainly.

Great. How long will that be?

About 10 minutes.

Excellent.

Excellent mothering

Either this is an example of the above (compliments of Eighteen annoying people you're scared of on Facebook)

Or this child is just swearing it's head off. Facebook users do seem to be getting younger and younger. And more foul-mouthed.

Apparently this is not computer wizardry, but an art piece. YOU could actually go see this in a gallery. The only problem with that is, it's such a realistic looking piece, I'd be too afraid to go near it. Get too close and it would see you as a threat to its younglings. I can see it in it's eyes. The cold crazy eyes of a mother with young.
Also, I'm under the (hopefully false) belief that mannequins and dolls possess souls and will harm me at any given opportunity.
Seeing as the talented artist/devil sorcerer decided to give this dog-like creature human arms and legs and make it to the scale of an actual human body, I find this just as haunting.
Since becoming aware of this art I have since woken up screaming, having dreamed that it is in bed next to me, spooning me. If I ever go missing, arrest this statue. It is out to get me.

You'd think I wouldn't make fun of people under 13. And then this girl added me on Facebook because her mum works with one of my friends. For what ever reason, for about a week in October we were Facebook friends.
During that time my Facebook status was something about Japanese people being atrocious drivers. This girl comments "LOL so tru". Word for word. It's a quote.
Chekkit, you dumb ho, until you've lived in Japan, no racism for you. Mine is founded. Yours is based on that time you ate sushi.
Since then we've both accomplished a lot: I deleted her. And she sits down at the dinner table to hear her parents bitch about Japanese drivers, when in fact the drivers they are talking about are actually Chinese people (with a higher level of English literacy than they're dumb slut 12 year old daughter... will ever have).Seeing that she recently posted something on the profile of a mutual friend, I thought I'd see what else she's been up to. When not being a dumb ho, she takes photos of herself. And posts them. Sometimes the same one, multiple times.

Do you see what Thomas and Ash and maybe others did here? You see what that did here.
"I live at Penis. Catch the strain to Clit station and meet me near the Clit statue."

I feel a little bit bad about making a comment on this photo on a friend's Facebook. It's not anyone we know, just one of those "I'm gonna turn around and take a photo" shots, probably. The caption given was Gross white chick. Accurate and informative captioning.

I don't know what I feel concerning this. But I'm laughing and laughing and laughter invigorates the soul. The soul that will be going straight to hell. (Unless it stops off at Gusto first. Hell via Gusto.)

This just sounds like Carita when I bothered to talk to her in high school

Oh, how totally random with the duck... get this... smoking a cigarette! RIGHT!? Omg LOL Sooooo randommm :P lol ^_^

If you want to join a bunch of ordinary people who consider themselves quite unique, then by all means join i am so weird on Facebook. It has a whopping 36 members or something. I guess that's weird. I guess.

It makesmehappy

"'Cause you're a pathetic cold-hearted man. Why do I even talk to you?"
- Henry

There are times in my life where friends have said things so profound, it makes me blog changes me. Often from Henry, usually during class and more often than not, downright abusive. This is what life's all about.

he's coming to town