I almost forgot I had a blog. Exams are putting a dent in my groove.

I didn't erase that last name. But I don't care. I don't know Taylor Edwards, and neither do you. So let's have sex?

I just saw an ad for a 7 News update about Ibis. The phrase "Waging war against the rats of the sky" was used.

I'm going to be really edgy and start calling it Yuck cha.

Just like all those people who still call it Brisvegas. SO 10 years ago.

WHATEVER.: contemporary surrealism

WHATEVER.: contemporary surrealism: "magritte was so 7th grade though."

When's the last time you got an award?

You know how I feel when I receive awards:fyi - I did eat that fish head, and I was that happy about it.

You should all know by now that I live vicariously through Henry and I hoard his text messages in a religious and what probably seems like a sexually perverse manner. That is after all the only reason you read this excuse of a blog.

(Creepily) I've chronicled Henry's journey through the work place via his text messages.
The adventure begins in June 2010, and follows him right up to the point at which he quits in October. As you would expect, the cycle of employment resolves itself with Henry threatening god. Enjoy!



At the office, feeling sorry for my existence and those of my colleagues. Would it be okay if I just spat on people as they walk past my desk? Is that too subtle a message? Yeah you’re right.
25 Jun

Work was crantastic. I got to unpack boxes in the basement. I had my music on full blast, and then shuffled like a maniac. Are you picturing me shuffling solo in a basement yet?
30 Jun

Man, Perfume is the only thing getting me through the work day. God bless them.
20 Jul

Im pretending to be on the fone whilst listening to internet radio at work. What have you contributed to society since your Saturday night charade?
26 Jul

Lol my colleague gave me a whole box full of big red. This might have made him a very generous person had they not been expired for the last year and a half. I’m goin to finish the whole box and enjoy them, just to piss him off.
13 Sept

27 Sept Note: There was a text attached to this photo. Simply explaining that this was on Henry's desk when he came into work. I deleted the text like a complete dickfish.

In the workplace, respect is earned, obviously. Im gonna earn it by setting their kids on fire.

27 Sept

So i quit my job today. No one puts a fucking unicorn on MY desk. No one.
1 Oct

Thursday's my last day. They want to take me out for a farewell lunch. Fuckers, I hope they simultaneously choke on their chicken schnitzels and die.
11 Oct

Just for future reference, make sure to use boiling water for your next pool party. Office kitchen signs dont lie.
11 Oct

Do you know what the cunts gave me as a farewell present? A giant bag of instant noodles. And a card. My second farewell card from these inbred rednecks. Im gonna use this card to wipe my butt. Maybe I'll do that with the noodles too.
14 Oct

It doesn't matter what the card said. There was a rip on one side. A GOD DAMN RIP. I bet you someone did it on purpose. Im going to try and get a fingerprint analysis done. Find out who it is. And rip their fuckin hair off.
15 Oct


This is how god punishes lazy people. With mould.
I'll get you for this, god. I'll get you good.
18 Oct

Does this piece by Matthew Burrows scream hermaphroditic dollop of human faeces sticking its tongue out whilst airing his vagina as loudly to you as it does to me?

This is an intense mixture of clever and cute. It's like one of those slutty attractive girls with a science degree... who's been taught how to knit.

You realise you've become a conceited narcissistic douche when your first thought upon reading this is "Oh my god, he's finally found my blog."

There is a bunch of first year foul fucking gromits in my class that are loud, obnoxious and make me want to cause physical pain to their groins, shins and faces. They remind me of us in our first year, except they're ugly, louder, stupider and dress like typical mt gravatt folk. Terribly.
- Kate
7 Oct 1:53pm

Whenever I'm fortunate enough to witness Kate dish out knowledge, I'm like:

I've been having thoughts about cutting off my mullet. But, if anything, I will be cutting off the front sections of my hair first. Don't even try and talk me out of it.

GPOmulletW

Somedays I think the cure to poverty and disease would be for Chloe to dress as a monotreme for her 21st birthday party. But Chloe has made it quite clear that she loves poverty and disease.

white whine

You know I have dreams about browsing through saaaweet clothes and not being able to afford them. Like, seriously radical threads. Clothes that don't even exist!
Even in my dreams I'm broke.

Nice hat... you jerk.

People often say to me, "Liam, what's the best thing about knowing a guy like Henry?"
And I'm like, what IS the best thing about knowing a guy like Henry?
I mean, receiving his insightful text messages, sometimes with insightful photos that he obviously has no moral qualms in taking (like that time he sent me a photo of some Jesus look-a-like being swarmed by seagulls) is pretty good. That's something that really enriches my life. You know?
Like this text w/ photo he sent me months ago:

"Pony Chandelier. When I'm elected Prime Minister it will be illegal not to have one in your house."

But, I think the real, most beneficial thing Henry has ever done for my life, was introducing me to the Lil Wayne documentary (The Carter) way back in 2009.
I get the impression that Henry isn't exactly a "fan" of Lil Wayne, but given the fact that Henry has a formidable knowledge concerning the lyrics to anything sounding even remotely "ghetto" on the radio, I'm not certain. Henry: The shuffling Asian Australian boy familiar with rap and RnB, who also plays the acoustic guitar (an instrument I typically affiliate with white country music singers)... he is both a technological marvel and a cultural anomaly.

Anyway, this might sound like a Henry post, but this is actually about Lil Wayne me.
Before watching his documentary, I had no idea who Lil Wayne was.
Who did I think I was?

What is it about girls that look like goths from the neck up and Little Bo Peep going on a Summer's day picnic from the shoulders down that I find so attractive?

I don't know. But in this photo, it would be their knees.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd another. Now I'm done.

Okay, maybe just one.


Him:
Me:

Is my sarcasm on?

Last Friday night my friend casually mentioned that this particular guy he was friends with on Facebook, was "The best Facebook related investment" he's ever made. Those were his exact words.

I added this particular guy, right then and there. Truth be told - pretty darn good Facebook investment. This kid is unintentionally hilarious.

See where it says 71 other pages? That's a daily occurrence.
I have heaps of jpegs backed up featuring his statuses and alllll the things he 'likes'. I'd share them with you, but, maybe I should just fcuking spare you.

sooo devastated... dropped n cracked my fone screen yesterday.... ='( broken anything lately?
lol coz if you havent, you should!!!

-Anna
8 Oct 3.14pm

The number of people walking around with cracked I-phone screens are almost certainly people I know. So if you see one, make sure you holla, and tell them you're a friend of mine. We could all go out for drinks.

The next logical step

The next logical step would obviously be to introduce 90210 screens with the best of Evil Boy lyrics.
Yes. This feels right.

Oh my my my my

Even as I type this, I'm tapping the keyboard in time with these ethnic beatz and radical lyricz! It's too much to even try and explain. So, here are the lyrics and maybe you'll understand.
p.s. Have you tried counting how many penises are in this music video?
Try that. Get back to me.
http://www.metrolyrics.com/evil-boy-lyrics-die-antwoord.html

Boring diary entry type post

I felt like such a grown-up yesterday I had to commemorate the event with poorly drawn computer art.The day started as you'd expect any Saturday to start: Mildly hungover and regretting facebook statuses by a friend who hijacks your phone.
Then BRUNCH at yumcha. Brunch; how fucking grown-up sounding is that?
It was an incredibly grown-up affair, as where we typically have yumcha is where Lillian also had her wedding reception. (Lillian can be seen above in the grey knit sweater and with the stunning eyes.)
Even if we did spend brunch discussing who from high school we'd like to have on our Survivor tribes. it was still very much a mature, grown-uppy discussion. Naturally, brunch is followed by lunch... at 3 ish. And we all know what adults have for lunch? That's right. Coffee.
This is where my overwhelming sense of Independence and grown-uppery kicked in. I think it had something to do with Nikki's outfit (seen above). It was the 80's style navy blazer with shoulder pads and blue and white check lapels (matched with cowboy boots and pink nail polish) that really made me feel like I was in the middle of a power lunch.

Queen's Plaza, with all that white marble also made me feel extra sophisticated.

Later that evening, I saw some lovely ladies friends who had just finished attending a Hens Night.

Being the only guy with several women, some of whom you've never met, one of whom is getting married, is always a tense situation. But nothing a grown up couldn't handle. So I ordered a beer. Nothing says "I'm past adolescence" more directly than purchasing just one beer, then drinking it from a glass.
I even pointed out an unintentionally penis shaped statue to the bride-to-be. Now that's maturity!

Phrase of the Day

Better start catching up.
(If you're a complete fuck up and you're not into the tunes and sick beats, skip to 2:05 and watch from there. Then go kill yourself.)

Standing on a corner, leaning against a pole, rearranging my boosies.
all in a days work for this hooker.
7 Oct 4:11pm

Change that last line to I make prostituting look easy.
7 Oct 4:12pm

- Nikki

Thursday

"How's it going?" says some guy in my class.

I reply back with the standard "Good thanks. And you?"

"Good. How'd you go with your exams?"

I drag my eyes away from the text book I'm currently reading. "Not too bad. How about you?"

At this point, dickfish over here should realise that this is me being polite, that I'm reading and not interested in getting to know one another better. In return, the polite thing to do would be to let me get back to my text book. We had our chit chat, now take your sandaled feet and receding hairline elsewhere, pal.
He continues, "I didn't have to sit exams, because I went to a Chinese university last year, and my credit points already blah blah blah and then in China it was really cool, and there was this guy who blah blah blah rich Chinese kids and they blah blah expensive clubs with blah blah blah driving down the highway at 160 k's blah."

You can always tell when someone isn't cool, because they will jump at any chance to try and tell you a "cool" story that reaffirms their coolness.
The way he eagerly told me about clubs in China, driving in BMWs in China, and how great his Chinese had become... in China, was, in a word, dickfishy.
It's especially dickfishy when such people start talking about topics they obviously have little to no experience in. Seeing this chap in a club would be as likely as seeing a beached whale: It could happen. And on the off chance it does, watching it struggle awkwardly in this foreign environment is just heart breaking.

Did I mention that this guy looks about 35? 35 year old white guy going clubbing in China. Fucking spare me.
Actually, he looks a lot like that dorky guy from Roadtrip, but older and balder.

I guess his story was meant to establish some kind of street cred. Like I was going to go around to other people and be like "Did you hear about What's-his-face (I don't know his name) and how hardcore he was in China? Man, that guy is so bomb!"
He even began finishing sentences with "fuck yeah, man!" and similarly 'hood' sounding expressions. What an asshole.
I drew this diagram of him because I hate him.

Rainbow unicorn cat cupcake? Anyone?

feeling philoSOPHIEcal?

hi, hello, sup!:

spin some swiss and put the brie wheel on:
"DJ gouda
DJ string cheese
DJ cream cheese, with chive
DJ cheeze wiz
DJ cheddar"