Uh, Liam sea cow

Friday we celebrated Chelsea's birthday. Sadly I left early, since my loser friend and the only other person I knew at the party, Nikki, had work the following morning.

The plan was simple: Nikki would take a taxi home, and on the way drop me at a bus stop. I would catch the last bus into the city, where beloved "Night link" buses run all hours of the night.
(Note to self: buses back into the city stop at 1 am.)

I get out of the taxi and see that the electronic bus schedule is still illuminated, showing that the final bus is coming at 12:45 . The taxi drives off. The electronic bus schedule goes dead. I check the time and it is past 1.
I begin the 5000 km trek home.

I walked from an inner city suburb, all the way home. If we wanna get technical, I went from zone 2 to zone 5. Through some "not the safest" neighbourhoods, industrial areas, and over some highways. The $5 in my wallet and the vodka shots and bottles of wine in my system really left me with no other option. This is my journey:

Before my journey really began, I prepared myself. I took out my wallet and placed all my bank cards/ ID cards into the front of my undies. (I remember doing this because when I finally got home and changed into my pyjamas I was like "What the fuck are these doing in my underwear?") So when you are accosted by thugs, you simply hand over your wallet while actually retaining your important items and dignity. (If I had anything other than a $5 bill you can bet that would have been kept nice and safe down there too.)

At some stage before or after this billboard suggesting I make my smooth, a car of (what I assume to be) dudes (or possibly bros) stopped at the lights as I crossed and casually joked "Looking for a good time!?"

Ahaha, good one, fellas!

I thought it would be safer to go under the highway, rather than deal with on coming (though minimal for that hour of the night) traffic. What followed was heavily graffitied walls and a group of individuals lazing on the ground. I quickly turned back and took my chances with the traffic.

This is my friend Sir Rocksalot. He was not only my company for the journey home but also willing to be thrown into the face of any and all oncoming rapists.

This is a dead toad on a grate. I vaguely remember a truck driving past as I stood in the gutter taking a photo of this with my phone. I was embarrassed and had to constantly reassure myself - "Liam, you will never see that truck driver ever again."

This pole invited me to ask, so I did. "Why the fuck have I not called my parents to come pick me up?"

This is me and Sir Rocksalot only 8km or so away from home. I later discarded my dear friend when a police car drove past. In case they thought I was gonna smash Sir Rocksalot into an ATM or something. Seriously, can't a young man and his rock just walk around in the middle of the night without being hassled by the police!?

My journey sucked. About 10 minutes into my journey a white non-descript ute beeped and pulled up about 30 metres ahead of me. I saluted (I thought this was the signal for "No thanks, don't wanna be raped tonight") and quickly darted into someone's front yard pretending I was home. I stayed there, peering through the bushes until it left. I'm so glad I wasn't stabbed, mugged or raped, but still- Fuck walking home.