I never

If you've done it then you drink

I've never been present at a birth. Not even my own. A week before my ETA I sublet my mum's womb and rented it out to 3 Jews because I knew I didn't wanna be there when it happened.
Up until a year ago I'd never held a baby.I've never smelt the fabled 'new baby smell.' And you know how everyone rages on about how good this smell is.
Smelling a small human being recently excavated from another human being. Sounds amazing.


I've never been to outer space. Yay! Because space is lame. Space movies, unless they're about aliens, suck.
Wasting my time in zero gravity, looking at the shitty black view and eating vitamin enriched space food is for suckers.
They say that when you view the Earth from outer space, you realise how beautiful and lonely our planet is. It is said to inspire you to want to take care of the one planet we have.
Which is nice, you know, having an epiphany and all after the spaceship you're on has just burnt a few gallons of fuel to propel your white bitch ass into space. That must make you feel like a real fuck.
So NASA spends obscene amounts of money on space projects. So what? Like, we need to know more about the moon. And Saturn. We need to know EXACTLY what the deal is with Saturn.


I've never punched yo mumma in the face.