30 day letter thing

Today marks the end of 30 days of letters. I am, ashamdedly, proud of myself in a way. I mean, I dedicated myself to something for a month, and I completed it. I never dedicate myself to anything, and I certainly don't finish things.
True, it was just writing letters... and I sometimes put it off... and I didn't do it particularly well, but I did it. I wrote 30 letters in 30 days.
Which is also a painful reminder that I've spent 30 days blogging instead of 30 days looking for a job.
In the plus column, never have I been this conscious or more aware of the passage of time now that I can look back and say "exactly 20 days ago I was writing a letter to..".
Because this has just put time into perspective for me.
If only I had done something useful. Like, trim my nasal once every day for thirty days...
If I've learnt anything from this... I'll get back to you on that.
Now what the fuck am I going to do this month?


•Day 1: A letter to an inanimate object you hate.
•Day 2: A letter to a dinosaur.
•Day 3: A letter to a movie character
•Day 4: A letter to someone you want to kick in the face expressing why you want to kick them in the face
•Day 5: A letter to a celebrity you want to kick in the face
•Day 6: A HEARTFELT letter to some food
•Day 7: A letter to a historical event
•Day 8: A letter to a giant space robot
•Day 9: A letter to the coolest person you’ve never met
•Day 10: A letter to an alien race.
•Day 11: A letter to your last bowel movement
•Day 12: A letter to a mythological creature
•Day 13: A letter to a word you don’t like
•Day 14: A letter to a word you love
•Day 15: A letter to your crotch.
•Day 16: A letter to your bed
•Day 17: A letter to a video game character
•Day 18: A letter to a website that ruined your life
•Day 19: A letter to an animal you like
•Day 20: A letter to an animal you think is fucking stupid
•Day 21: A letter to something you’ve owned for 5 years+
•Day 22: A letter to something you want to fuck
•Day 23: A letter to the drug of your choice.
•Day 24: A letter to one of your bodyparts
•Day 25: A letter to Gary Busey
•Day 26: A letter to the future cyborg version of you
•Day 27: A letter to band that really needs to break up
•Day 28: A letter to a movie you hate
•Day 29: A letter to a letter you’ve written
•Day 30: A letter to a bowl of fruit

Day 30: A letter to a bowl of fruit

Dear bowl of fruit,

I feel to really qualify as a bowl of fruit, you need at least one of the following:
Banana
Grapes (red or green, but on the stem)
Apple (red or green)

Oranges are optional. Kiwi fruit is probably going over the top a little. Watermelon doesn't belong in a bowl. It's not made for the bowl. It can't be contained by the bowl. Watermelon is like a wild animal and as such should not be kept in such confining conditions lest it become agitated and hell-bent on destroying itself and it's captors in the process. Chuck that mother fucker in the fridge!

But perhaps my succinct and highly idealised version of a bowl of fruit isn't something just anyone can live up to. So this is why I'm writing to you, bowl of fruit, who I would assume to be something of an expert on what qualifies as a legitimate bowl of fruit. I wanna know what makes you you.

Please write back.

Liam

Day 29: A letter to a letter you’ve written

Dear letter day 20: A letter to an animal you think is fucking stupid,

You were possibly the most difficult to write. Animals are our friends. Yes we eat them and club them to death for their luxurious pelts, but they are not stupid.
Humans are animals, right? And humans sometimes study linguistics. So, you see, it kind of worked out.
I don't like mosquitos or flies or the rape monkey or the electric hippopotamus... but I don't think they're "fucking stupid". I think they're gay, yes, but not stupid. SO, in closing... UGH.

Liam

Day 28: A letter to a movie you hate

Dear movies featuring Will Smith with the only possible exception being Independence Day (even though I don't necessarily LOVE nor hate Independence Day),

Stop it. Just stop everything you are doing. Now, try doing the opposite of what you initially thought was a good idea.
I don't know if that will work, but, things pretty much can't get any worse for you.
That movie about robots, I wouldn't say it made me want to die or anything. But plenty of other films, books, cartoons, cakes etc had already made the exact same point about humanity and artificial intelligence way before you did. So thanks for wasting my time with that utterly unoriginal piece of social commentary.
And that Hitch moive... it has been on tv twice. Which is fine because I don't pay to watch TV in the sense that I pay to watch a movie. And its even better when I consider I can (and did) change the channel after about 6 minutes of Will Smith screen time. Which isn't really indicitive of Will Smith's acting abilities, because I'm sure that movie would have sucked regardless of any actor filling the lead role. Even John Leguizamo.
Hitchcock, I haven't seen. This is because I learnt the lesson from that robot movie and Hitch:
Will Smith movies (with the exception of Independence day, which isn't that great anyway) always always suck.
And that's not my fault... Because I love The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Liam

Day 27: A letter to a band that really needs to break up

Dear Kings of Leon,

You need to stop committing aural rape. Then, once you've done that, you need to get in a car with Vampire Weekend and Simple Plan... and stay in that car and never get out. Don't even wind the windows down. No getting out of the car for any reason. Ever. Then, when you've sat in that car long enough to feel some kind of remorse for all the horrendous acts you've committed against music, and only then, can you drive yourself off the edge of a cliff... and into a volcano. You can take Paramore with you as well.

Thanks ever so much!
Liam

Day 26: A letter to the future cyborg version of you

Dear future cyborg version of me,

This is stupid. You're stupid. Your future cyborg version of your mum is stupid.

Liam - the past original version of you

Day 25: A letter to Gary Busey

Dear Gary Busey,

I've had to "google" you for the purposes of this letter. I did that. I still don't know who you are. I can't seem to put your face to any particular movie and I'm not going to read your wikipedia article.
Good day to you sir.

Liam

Day 24: A letter to one of your bodyparts

Dear prostate,

Don't get cancer. If you could do that for me, thanks.

Liam

Day 23: A letter to the drug of your choice

Dear coffee,

According to Wikipedia, you are "the most widely used psychotropic beverage in the world."
You are also insanely delicious, which, let's face it, is why I ingest you so frequently. Plus, I like the way your intoxicating fragrance hosts disco parties in my nostrils.
And you're the only drug available with a "rainforest aliance" low carbon foot print type deal going on - which is a huge fucking weight off my mind! Honestly it is! If you're concerned about the environment, try to use locally produced drugs ... or drugs that don't come from South American countries where drug sale profits result in more deforestation. Trust me, I saw a fucking documentary on this. It seemed incredibly factual... even if I don't. Google it or something. Or try prescription medications... maybe that's okay.

Thinking of you always, Liam

Day 22: A letter to something you want to fuck

Dear your mum,

Do you know that "let's get it on" song... possibly by Barry White? Or Marvin Gaye? OR some other hacky loser who only had one culturally pervasive, everlasting love anthem that transcends time?
Of course you do. That song's probably from your era.
Well, forget that song. Because our new love anthem is "Smack my Bitch Up" by The Prodigy.
Get with the times!
I realise that song is from the 90's.
When do your kids get home?

Liam

Day 21: A letter to something you’ve owned for 5 years+

Dear Alien toys from the Alien movie franchise,

I still have you because you are still the bomb!

I received you the year before I started school. I was so into aliens it completely consumed my 5 year old life. I drew pictures of aliens, I interrogated anyone who was old enough to see the movies Alien and Aliens about aliens, and I begged my parents for an Alien toy. Then, the following Christmas and birthday, I got more. I became the proud owner of 4 OFFICIAL Alien toys. I was so happy I exploded.

15 years later and I still have you. I have seen all your movie incarnations, including one that had "VS Predator" in the title. You are a monument to my parents who, despite their many personality defects knew that these toys were the fucking coolest.

xoxo, Liam

Day 20: A letter to an animal you think is fucking stupid


Dear linguistics students,

You guys are a bunch of fucking stupid animals if I've ever seen one.
Go kill yourself now.

Love, Liam

Day 19: A letter to an animal you like

Dearest frogs,

In an attempt to accurately express how I feel for your species, I have re-worded the 'abusive Mel Gibson tapes' in a way that should, I predict, leave you emotionally fulfilled. Enjoy.

“You look like a f***ing sunset in heat, and if you get kissed by a pack of pixies, it will be your fault.”

“Look what you did to me… look what you are… look what every part of you is… f**king nice… f**king nice. "

Day 18: A letter to a website that ruined your life

Dear Neopets,

The lives you've left in pieces, shambles and general disarray; I don't know if they'll ever truly recover. You ought to be ashamed! Give me 10 million neopoints and we'll call it even.

Liam

Day 17: A letter to a video game character


Dear Link,

I know you're really busy, but I gotta get this off my chest. You're my hero.
You get shit done. You're a man of quiet determination and let's face it, a cutting-edge sense of style.
I wish I could be all those things. But, in the mean time, you can be them for me.

Respectfully, Liam

p.s. I like when you mess baddies up with your sword.

Day 16: A letter to your bed

Dear bed,

I've seen the shock exclusives. You're encrusted with dead skin, full of mites and soaked in litres of sweat. Ordinarily that would deter me from most people/beds. But you... for you... I'm willingly to overlook it.

Endlessly devoted to you, Liam

Day 15: A letter to your crotch

Dear crotch,

We've had some fun times together. You're like, a really good friend.
And since you've always done right by me, I make the effort to dress you in interesting pants. I'm sure you like that. Even when they're way too tight.
That's why we make such a great team - we both bring something to the table.
I feel like I can just call on you whenever I want, for a chat, for a serious conversation about the structural flaws of the universe, for some one-on-one time (eww!). You're pretty much the best girlfriend I've ever had. Yup, my penis, best girlfriend ever. Most guys would say that about their crotch, I suppose. But it goes without saying that we share a very serious, if some what disconnected relationship with our crotches. I mean, I'm writing it a letter.
And I'm pussy-footing around, being all nice and friendly, not because I'm a nice, friendly person, but because I know if I let something slip, say the wrong thing, my penis won't hesitate to ruin my life. I've seen the ads for 'erectile dysfunction'... I've been in the car with my dad, with the radio tuned into an ad about 'lasting longer in the bedroom thanks to nasal delivery technology'.
So, listen crotch, you fuck with me, and I'm gonna fuck with you too. I might just give you an embarrassing haircut. See how that feels! OR I'll get you tattooed. So, consider this a warning. Continue being my pal, and no one gets hurt.

Muchas gracias, Liam

Day 14: A letter to a word you love

Dear 'dickfish',

Love is a very strong emotion. I neither feel it for you, nor any other word for that matter. But I like you, and I guess we can build on that. Try taking me out to dinner, for example.
Make me feel special. Do things that will surprise me, just out of the kindness of your heart. Then, when you least expect it, I may just love you. And it will be good. Then I'll grow weary of your attention. And you'll be gone. But no matter, because we'll always have the memories. And I will drown those away with wine.

Platonically, Liam

Day 13: A letter to a word you don’t like

Dear "Awesomeness" and "Epic",

It's about time the tacky-as-fuck people who use you start looking for something else to say. Or at least start using you both ironically. You can join your friends "random" and "fail" in that big discarded word heap in the sky. Good riddance.

Liam

Day 12: A letter to a mythological creature


Dear God,

(See what I did there?)
Just writing to inform you that the internet is ballz out genius. Out of all your obscene miracles, this one is the finest. The iphone, I hear, is also pretty good.
I'm also grateful for Pokemon and for looking after all my dead pets in Pet Heaven.
Pokemon don't die.

Liam