Have you ever wondered what the worst possible movie to turn into a tv programme would be? If you're thinking a No Country For Old Man romcom sitcom, in which the main protagonist explores the humour and hardships of dating... and murdering and getting his hair cut etc etc. Then you'd be wrong. Because that would be the best.

Can you vaguely remember the My Big Fat Greek Wedding movie and the following My Big Fat Greek Life sitcom? Not that anyone has seen it (the sitcom), because it has faded into complete obscurity. And not cool indie street cred obscurity. The normal kind of obscurity. The wars we didn't win kind.
But basically, I'm thinking a Karate Kid based tv show. Can you imagine how truly terrible that would be? From now on, the concept of weekly 30 minute episodes about non-Asian kid learning some Asian martial art in order to stand up to bullies is what I'll be inciting if I ever want to be tried for heinous acts by a war crime tribunal.

Fucking spare me.

Ohhh, light

It took me an embarrassingly long amount of time to figure out what this was. I'm sitting here like "So this is the Pepsi Max/ Diet Coke of fellatio? What? How?"

My home town of Brisbane is like the Kyrgyzstan of Australia. Behind its rustic appeal, it is a terrifying place to live.

In the CBD of our little city we have the Myer Centre. Just your standard department store/mall type scenario; the kind you'd find in any village square, post the collapse of the Soviet Union.

What really makes this a place of interest though, is one of its most frequent users; a Marilyn Monroe look-a-like with the ability to confound, confuse and compel. I don't know how to really introduce her. For one I know very little about her. And what I do know is the kind of 'urban legend' sounding stuff which basically just starts with me saying "I heard that..." and ends with me whispering "...dead prostitute."
My friend came up with the balls-out genius idea of calling her Marilyn Myer Centre (Which by the way, no one else does. Not even her Facebook fan page. So you know, trademark that shit.)

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=647820498#!/group.php?gid=69948471087&ref=ts
(The Facebook page really says it all. 6000+ fans and pictures of her being all "Soviet imitation Monroe." I know that sounds like I'm being mean but I'm not.)

Marilyn Myer Centre, "Dian" if you checked her fan page, seemingly just hangs around the Myer Centre all day doing nothing. (Stealing my dream!) I see her sitting in the food court, sitting on the benches and couches provided for 'weary shoppers', walking from shop to shop on the odd occasion, but more or less nothing.

I even spoke with her once. I'm not gonna go into it, mainly because it will come off like she's some crazed weirdo. Sure she said some kinda lame stuff. But conversations with strangers will always be about lame stuff. And when that stranger is seemingly channeling Marilyn Monroe, maybe you intentionally make it weird. But that's not where this is going.

In fact, I no longer know where this is going. What I do know, is that she's not a very convincing look-a-like. For one, the real Marilyn has been dead for quite some time. Apart from that major set back, Dian and Marilyn Monroe share visibly different facial structures. But whatever, didn't Charlie Chaplin come 4th (or something) in a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest?

Look, in this sleepy town of Brisbane, I take my kick where I can get it. And Marilyn Myer Centre is fundamentally a celebrity. Brisbaaanugh.

Life Rule # 37: When one hears the phrase "Put your hands up for Detroit", regardless of the circumstance(s), hands must be raised, specifically for Detroit.